


Sentenced to Death

by penniless1



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe, Challenge Response, Multi, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-01-16
Updated: 2010-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-22 07:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 31,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/235239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penniless1/pseuds/penniless1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sentences regarding the One Piece universe - humour, love, death, and life springing forth from one word prompts. Challenge me, I dare you</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sentenced to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30 sentences for Lady Emzebel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own One Piece, and I won't be making money from this.

Sanguine: Luffy x nakama

He was perpetually sanguine while they ranged from fervently pessimistic to cautiously optimistic, however, they were living proof that cheerfulness was highly contagious.

* * *

Hapless: Merry vs. The Grand Line

Even as the small caravel sank below the waves, it fought the terrible sea known as the Grand Line tooth and nail in order to stay in one piece; it was one of the Straw-hats, not some hapless victim!

* * *

Moonshine: Sanji x Zoro x Eneru

Sanji blinked rapidly and lowered his drink as he saw two huge, shadowy earlobes appear briefly in the night sky, then he turned and kicked Zoro right in the earrings; that's what marimos got for buying moonshine!

* * *

Bookworms: Usopp x Nami x Robin x Chopper

"Oi, you idiots, be quiet so you don't disturb the bookworms!" Usopp explained impatiently to the monster trio, earning him a kiss on each cheek and a snuggle from the three scholarly crew members.

* * *

Relief: Whitebeard

Relief pounded through broken veins and flooded out of severed arteries as his son's brother and messiah unleashed enough _haki_ to halt 10,000 executions.

* * *

Sasquatch: Chopper x nakama

Chopper could not stop his tears as his nakama lit a battleship on fire because a marine captain had the temerity to call the Straw-hat doctor and emergency food supply a sasquatch.

Welcome: Rayleigh x Shakky

When he hauled what was left of his heart back to that place, her open arms were the sweetest welcome he'd ever experienced, and he found that he actually did have more tears.

* * *

Unwelcome: Killer vs Drake vs Urouge

His intrusion into their fight is unwelcome, but neither of them made it this far by ignoring their instincts.

* * *

Exhausted: Usopp x nakama

He was exhausted, so very, very weary, but if this road led him back to his nakama, he'd run right off a cliff without stopping.

* * *

Heist: Jango x Kuro

"This heist will go smoothly; then, and only then, will I release you," Kuro murmured maliciously, drinking in Jango's fear as the heel of one clawed hand adjusted his glasses.

* * *

Ricochet: Franky x Robin

Almost everything else would ricochet off of his chest, but her smile got him in the heart each and every time.

* * *

Blanket: E. Kidd

It was an impenetrable shield, a lightweight suit of armour, an adequate sunshade for his pale skin, and a comfortable blanket during night watch, so the next son of a syphilitic wharf rat that insulted his fur coat was definitely getting smothered to death.

* * *

Rum: Zoro x nakama

He'd been drinking rum since he first became a bounty hunter but he'd never noticed how much warmer it made him feel until he was drinking with his nakama.

* * *

Comet: J. Bonney

"That fucker, Straw-hat, is just like a comet; a big ball of dumb metal hurtling from nowhere, attracting ice and dust and rocks and other shit, then setting them all on fire!" she growled around a drumstick.

* * *

Avatar: Urouge

"He is the pirate avatar; it's obvious, isn't it?" Urouge chuckled out loudly as the supernovas watched Luffy destroy Marineford.

* * *

Comic: Law x Bepo

"Now that is comic," Law commented mildly as Bepo beat a man to death for daring the bar patrons to make the bear dance.

* * *

Language: Robin & nakama

As she lived, laughed, loved, laboured, loitered, and lingered with her nakama, Robin realized that she was learning a language much more ancient than that on the Poneglyphs.

* * *

Keychain: Nami x nakama

"They're the keys to our hearts, of course," Luffy told her bluntly as she fingered the nine battered chest keys on the shiny new keychain, the rest of her nakama smirking behind their captain.

* * *

Fanatic: Bon Kurei x Ivankov

 _'A fanatic of progress indeed,'_ Ivankov thought as Bon-chan twirled around in a pink tuxedo jacket and a lacy tutu.

* * *

Blank: The Straw-hats

The Straw-hats' faces were completely blank for all of two seconds before they broke down with joy; Luffy had opened his eyes for the first time since Raftel.

* * *

Flicker: Coby x Luffy

Coby would never forget that the Pirate King's first good deed was to fan the flicker of ambition in the heart of his greatest marine opponent.

* * *

Screw: Franky x nakama

Franky was glad he was lying down on his stomach; he never knew he would cry so much when eight people fought to screw the new adamantine plates onto his back.

* * *

Harmonica: Brook x Sanji

"You say your instrument is called a harmonica?" Brook asked the chef with wonder in his empty sockets as the blond man happily continued playing.

* * *

Millennium: Brook x nakama

Learning about everything that had happened in the past fifty years was overwhelming, but it would take another millennium for him to express his joy at finding such wonderfully patient nakama.

* * *

Candle: Blackbeard vs Luffy

Even though he'd swallowed the rubber boy in utter darkness, he could feel his confidence and will fending him off, like a lit candle beating off the gloom of night.

* * *

Infant: Garp

Garp glared at Luffy and Ace as they ran along the beach, and he vowed that he would not make the same mistakes as he had when Dragon was an infant.

* * *

Techno: Apoo

"I think I'll call this beat techno," Apoo thought out loud as he made music to match the rhythm of the war raging in Marineford.

* * *

Rugged: Sanji x nakama

"Seriously, dartboard, it makes you look more rugged," Zoro stated plainly before Sanji dared to reveal the burnt ruin of his left eye to his accepting nakama once more.

* * *

Unbidden: Wiper

They had come to the world above the clouds unbidden, but their disparate love for each other became a model that Skypiea and Shandora would diligently follow; Wiper swore this on the Golden Bell.

* * *

Celebration: Raftel x Straw-hats

The volcanic eruption was nothing less than a celebration; even Raftel refused to give up as the Straw-hats and Monkey D. Luffy stuck their tongues out at the executioners.

* * *


	2. Sentenced to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 by 4 Pairing Prompt for The Sacred and Profane
> 
> Pick a pairing from any series then write four drabbles, no longer than six sentences, inspired by objects around a room. You also don't have to use the same pairing for all four drabbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own 'em, they're all Oda-san's.

1\. Usopp x Nami

"Tell me again why we have to come along with you? I wanna go explore Water 7 with Luffy and Chopper!" Usopp grumbled as he glared balefully at Nami's accounting ledger.

"Simple - Luffy is the watchdog, and you're his keeper. Plus, when it comes to money, you're the only other person on board that I trust," she replied with a slow, sultry smirk and beri signs in her eyes.

Usopp tried not to preen, and vowed to live up to her expectations or die trying.

* * *

2\. Luffy x Robin

Luffy tried to read the ancient tome while Robin was preoccupied with translating something else old and musty.

"El- Elia- Eliamen-try Shecks-All Edcat-Ion?" he stuttered, not quite able to pronounce the faded words before an arm sprouted out of his chest and put the book back in its designated space.

"It's Elementary Sexual Education," Robin whispered in his ear, a low, husky chuckle in her voice before she kissed his jaw lightly.

"You mean they already wrote a book about last night?" Luffy asked, wonder glowing in his sweet, dark eyes.

* * *

3\. Luffy x Robin

Robin tried very hard not to move a muscle as Luffy's elastic arms encircled her. One spasm could cause the archaic, Oharan parchment in her trembling hands to disintegrate; one drop of salt-laden moisture could smear the ink ruinously.

While his strong fingers gently steadied her wrists and his tongue rasped away her tears, she could feel her heart quivering.

* * *

4\. Usopp x Nami

"Who's the shitty idiot that stole Nami-swan's precious toothbrush?" Sanji bellowed loudly as he frantically waved an orange item over his head, thereby rousing all the males in the crew.

The owner of said toothbrush sauntered into the men's quarters, snatching it from the cook's hand while she sashayed over to Usopp, who was still cowering in his bunk.

"Sorry, hun, I took yours by mistake last night," Nami stated mischievously while she handed the sniper his lemon-colored dental tool, along with a kiss to the tip of his long nose.

Usopp blushed madly while the other men gawked at the departing navigator, then dearly wished his soon-to-be widow had a bit more tact as Sanji's flaming eye rounded on him.

* * *


	3. To Die For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another 30 sentences for Lady Emzebel.
> 
> This set of sentences is dedicated mainly to my favorite couples - SanBonney and TashiZo, with a few guest appearances and a bit of ZoSan nakamaship. A bit more risque overall, you have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm too broke to own these guys. They are all creative wards of Oda-sensei.

Flustered

She absolutely, positively **loathed** the way his prancing around the kitchen got her so hot and bothered, especially when he did it while wearing nothing but that 'Gentlecook' T-shirt!

* * *

Girlfriend

"Who're supposed to be the women in this place?" Bonney and Tashigi practically shrieked as Zoro and Sanji checked their hair and earrings in the mirror one last time.

* * *

Boyfriend

"Please forgive them!" Tashigi wailed to the burning pile of human stir-fry on the floor of Bentham's nightclub, bowing profusely as Bonney scolded Zoro and Sanji like the jealous three year-olds they were.

* * *

Conjoined

"No, we are **not** joined at the hip!" Bonney yelled to Zoro as she and Tashigi went to the ladies' room together for the sixth time that evening.

* * *

Reflux

Sanji knew he was truly in love when he willingly cut down on the amount of pureed tomatoes added to the pizza sauce he made just for her.

* * *

Central

Neither of them had ever thought that another person could understand how **important** swords were to one's sanity and well-being.

* * *

Princess

"I'm supposed to treat that sow like royalty?" Law snarled before Sanji's left foot sent him flying over Bonney's food pile.

* * *

Tattoo

He groaned loudly at the feel her fingers on his back, persistently drumming away the fatigue of cooking for her **and** Ace **and** Luffy **and** Garp **and**...

* * *

Wicked

"You naughty, naughty pirate, trying to talk back to a marine," she purred while yanking his earrings, which made him ever so glad that she had met Sadi-chan during her last visit to Impel Down.

* * *

Flounder

"I- We- You- But-" Tashigi stammered before Zoro rolled his eyes, got off his knees, and shoved the ring on her finger.

* * *

Habitual

"Two Luffy specials _en croute_ , one Zoro Bonanza, one Swordswoman's Delight, ready!" Sanji bellowed as he heard familiar footsteps on the front pier of his restaurant.

* * *

Spelunking

"I like to think of it as cave exploration," he remarked wickedly, inhaling the scent of her navy-tinted hair before sinking into her once more.

* * *

Awake

"No shit I'm not sleeping!" Zoro snarled fiercely, seven seconds after she removed _Shigure's_ hilt from his groin.

* * *

Hug

"It is a double-tap chest bump with an outlaw, **nothing else**!" Sanji impatiently explained to Bonney for the fifth time; why did she keep insisting that he and that ball of barnacle bile should just hug?

* * *

Kiss

"I absolutely **love** how our wives greet each other," Sanji sighed, accompanied by vociferous, unanimous agreement from Zoro, Usopp, Franky, and their captain, as Nami, Tashigi, Bonney, and Robin daubed away each other's lipstick stains.

* * *

Slap

It resounded throughout the restaurant after it sent Luffy flying out of the kitchen, a naked tangle of pink and yellow fury roaring at the Pirate King to bloody well learn how to knock.

* * *

Dread

"Is this fear?" Zoro whispered tremulously to Sanji as the ship carrying their better halves caught the current towards Raftel.

* * *

Token

Her arm bar followed by a wicked left hook made it quite clear to Ace that she didn't get to be the Straw-hat second commander just because Sanji was Luffy's cook.

* * *

Wisp

"Wear more clothes!" Tashigi screamed as she tried to find **any** scrap of fabric large enough to cover Bonney through her entire fit of sneezing.

* * *

Current

The first time their swords clashed, he briefly wondered if the damn lightning that had freed his captain from the execution platform had jumped to him.

* * *

Dress

"Ya want me to wear a wedding what-now?" Bonney asked Sanji with a look of absolute confusion on her face, much to the amusement of the two first mates at the table.

* * *

Summit

"Ride'em hard!" Bonney whooped loudly before the half-ton, mechanical bucking horse broke down, proving once again why she was the top bronco-buster of the Grand Line, and the scariest female he had ever let top.

* * *

Parched

"They've been gone six months, three weeks, five days, and seven hours," Zoro grunted despondently, pushing away the unopened barrel of sake as Sanji handed him Tashigi's new bounty poster.

* * *

Downpour

She watched him as he escaped in the sudden storm, her body flushed and pounding, avidly vowing to hunt this man who had made her feel so much in one short instant.

* * *

Musk

"Him and his goddamn rut," Sanji ground out through gritted teeth as Chopper managed once more to steal all the cute girls in the tavern; Zoro could only snort into his beer with resigned disgust.

* * *

Rogue

Bonney knew exactly where her panties had disappeared to when she noticed that everything else was missing except his favorite lacy pink thongs.

* * *

Languid

It was only after a fight - the sort of fight that incinerated small islands or Oz-sized mountains - that the two humans of the monster trio ever willingly leaned against each other, too tired to move.

* * *

Belated

"We should have known earlier, you shitty God!" Sanji screamed to the sky, holding on to a tattered green hat as he and Zoro, grasping a white and green sword, were led away from the unmarked graves.

* * *

Congenial

They had been together through punishing battles, mind-boggling celebrations, staggering hangovers, numbingly long periods of recovery, self-destructive grief, and incomprehensible disbelief, but they finally acknowledged each other as kindred spirits when they mutely and mutually decided to be best man at each others wedding.

* * *

Leap

He finally understood how much she loved him when her beautiful, devil fruit-cursed ass heedlessly jumped into the water as she frantically tried to save him from drowning alone.

* * *


	4. Stories of Yore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For The Sacred and Profane's prompt, Fantastic Five.
> 
> Five drabbles with whatever pairings/characters you like with the drabbles inspired by mythology, comic books, or fairy tales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I defined drabble pretty loosely.

The Pantheon: Zeus, Hera, Hermes, Ares, Apollo, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Hephaestus, Athena, Hades.

If she was the Pirate Queen and he, the Pirate King, why was **she** the one throwing the thunderbolts?

"And if you dare to be chivalrous to those shameless, over-breasted floozies again, I'll take your damned _kintama_ and store them in my vault! You and your damn harem can all fry!"

"Usopp! Save me!"

The sniper paused in his tale, meant to entertain Zoro and Chopper as the little doctor patched up the ship's warmonger. Luffy bounded behind their backs.

"Luffy? What, is it an enemy?" Usopp cringed between Zoro's legs, the swordsman eagerly pulling on his weaponry as Chopper scolded him.

"Zoro, stop it! I can't work medical miracles all the time! Oi, Luffy, what happened?"

A slithering sound next to his ear made the reindeer jump almost as high as the sun, as Boa Hancock proceeded to lean over Zoro's shoulder, her snake wrapping Chopper in a poor approximation of a loving embrace.

"Luffykins made the bitch mad because he brought me on board," she huffed dismissively, sneering as a blush made it's way over the men's faces. They couldn't help it; the woman oozed enough sexuality to make some okama reconsider; ask Ivankof.

"Love skank," Nami snarled as she dropped onto the grassy deck from the library.

"Homely hag," Boa hissed sharply, one leg cocked on her serpent's coils.

Thus was the scene when Sanji and Franky walked in, the cook carrying a trident and more fish than a man should truly be able to capture, while the cyborg staggered in bearing a new plate of armor for the Thousand Sunny's hull. The cook wavered dangerously as Franky gawked, not even ready to catch Sanji's bloodless corpse.

"Mirage Tempo!"

"Parfum Femur!"

That was more than enough for Usopp.

"Let's get outta here!" he screeched, grabbing the other four men and the reindeer by their collars and racing off of the ship, over the pier, and through the mountainous heart of the island as if his feet had wings.

"Let's find Robin! She's the voice of reason between those two!" Chopper yelled, the wind whistling in his ears.

"Or Brook, so he can make us not-dead again!" Luffy added, clutching his hat before it could blow off of his head. He'd never understand women.

* * *

Pied Piper of Hamelin

"Where the hell did they move the fucking ship to **this** time?" Zoro mutter balefully, scanning the empty harbor taking up his entire line of sight. Usopp had told him specifically that they were docked on the east side of the island - that meant he just had to keep going to the right, right?

''Right. Damned idiots couldn't find their asses in a paper bag without a compass-" the green-haired swordsman began, before a haunting melody whispered across his earrings, making them jingle.

 _'Hn. Sounds like a violin.'_

Zoro's feet were moving before he was fully aware of where he was going, but he wasn't particularly alarmed as the sound led him through three villages, along a rocky coastline, through a rain forest, and back out to the other end of the island.

"You and that violin are worth your weight in gold!" Nami cried enthusiastically to Brook, who laughed with the rest of the crew as a patch of verdure detached itself from the surrounding foliage with a fluid mixture of snarls, grunts, and something that sounded suspiciously like a complaint that Brook was the only one who ever gave good directions.

* * *

Loki

Doflamingo grinned lewdly as he watched the battle-weary marine captains, Hina and Smoker, known to be the best of friends, set about fighting once. All around him was a battle reminiscent of the mythical tale of Ragnarok, once told throughout North Blue. God-like pirates and marines battled each other with abandon as giants rose and fell in the sway of the heroes fighting in swarms between their earth-crushing feet. The Shichibukai could not be happier as blood clotted on his feathery outerwear; the chaos went beyond his greatest wishes, his eyes eagerly drinking in the rebirth of the world.

* * *

Anansi and the Moss-covered Rock

Usopp ran away from Luffy, sprinting across the plain at half his usual speed just to tease his captain. He looked behind him, laughing as the other boy tried to keep up, which explained why he utterly missed the green-clad object in his path before he fell and crushed his nose on the exceedingly solid ground

"Oh ow. Ow. Ow!" he groaned, only to be crushed by Luffy.

"Gotcha!" he cried triumphantly as he flipped the sniper onto his back.

"Nuh-uh, it just cause of that rock that tripped me!" Usopp denied grumpily as Luffy helped him up.

"What rock?" Luffy asked, head cocked to one side.

"That silly moss-covered rock right there!" Usopp screeched, pointing his finger at a dusty yellow lump on the ground covered with a dark green mat.

Whereupon the sniper promptly fell back to the ground, dead asleep.

Luffy, oblivious to the narcoleptic attack, looked around before spotting the stone in question.

"What, that moss-covered rock over there?"

Whereupon the rubbery pirate promptly fell on top of Usopp, dead asleep.

Thus, when Sanji tripped over Zoro, comatose on his back with a dark mass of eight limbs writhing languidly on his stomach, the cook felt perfectly justified in launching the disgusting spider-man thingy into the stratosphere with a savage kick, before stamping repeatedly on the moss-covered rock the swordsman called a head.

* * *

Peter Pan

Vivi woke up with a start, her dreams still strong about her.

"Luffy!" she cried out, still seeing a small boy fighting fiercely against a looming, hooked menace.

"Nami," she murmured softly, her tears drying on her cheek as orange hair disappeared before her eyes.

"Sanji...Zoro..." she muttered, her aqua tresses forming a curtain around her, shutting out reality for just a bit longer.

"Usopp...Chopper..." she sighed, shaking her head to free herself from the wisps of idle longing. She stroked a spot on her left forearm.

In the dark, she could feel the newspaper spread out at her feet, detailing the epic destruction of Enies Lobby. On the newsprint were a number of photographs of her nakama, taken after the civil war.

They had gone on to greater adventures without her. Vivi shut the window, closing out the chill desert night, and went back to bed.

* * *


	5. Deeper Shades of Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the CP9 cover story and the Blackbeard Pirates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I should answer my own challenge before tackling another one from Lady Emzebel.

1\. Dugout

Jesus Burgess really, really, really wished there was a crack in the earth deep enough for his entire crew to hide when the boss went crazy like this.

* * *

2\. Acoustic

As he sat in the opaque chamber that had been his living coffin, his spirit slowly awoke to the muted sounds of fighting and death; Shiryuu opened his eyes.

* * *

3\. Criminal

On rare occasions, Lafitte remembers his days in West Blue, and he wonders why he struggled so long against fate.

* * *

4\. Native

This was their homeland, and so help him, Blueno swore to protect it, preferably by opening six different doors to Hell and bunting every one of these marines' balls through them.

* * *

5\. Gesture

Doc Q offered the basket of apples to the young pirate - just a small token of gratitude for helping Stronger back up.

* * *

6\. Leeward

Jyabura whined eagerly as the scent of blood blew downwind to his nose, allowing him to locate his prey.

* * *

7\. Disaster

Whoever had given Blackbeard kidney pie instead of cherry pie had no idea what horrors were about to descend upon their establishment.

* * *

8\. Poppy

Lucci grinned as the blood bloomed beneath his claw, like a beautiful flower on a new grave.

* * *

9\. Hardening

"And she was uglier than his boot, chapapapapa!" Fukurou added, glad for his skills in _Tekkai_ as Jyabura blew his top.

* * *

10\. Obey

It was all in the name of justice, thus Kaku's face were more lifeless than his mask as he turned to Paulie.

* * *

11\. Surfeit

He had endured in silence for far too long; Fisher Tiger would no longer let the Tenryuubito carry on with their excesses at the expense of his people, Red Line be damned.

* * *

12\. Greybeard

Van Auger's eyes were keen, thus he alone noticed why Blackbeard began a daily grooming ritual for his facial hair.

* * *

13\. Betweentimes

She had never spent that much time with the others outside of work, so Kalifa was most surprised that they could have fun without leaving corpses.

* * *

14\. Rasta

Kumadori hated when Kalifa washed the tangles out of his hair; the feel of her soapy hands massaging his scalp made him forget that he was supposed to be a _sennin_.

* * *

15\. Island

As Jesus crushed another building, the villagers quaked in fear as their invaders blithely stalked throughout the land.

* * *

16\. Whirlingly

Kumadori's body and sounding staff twirled in the intricate steps, his hair whipping around her slippery body with dizzying speed and exhilaration.

* * *

17\. Hurricane

Auger was disgusted with the weather; did the storm truly think that its meagre winds would cause his aim to falter?

* * *

18\. Learnt

Kaku caressed his latest model ship before returning it to its bottle, wistful as he remembered how much Iceburg had taught him.

* * *

19\. Neophyte

Nero felt his life slipping away over Lucci's fingers as CP9's leader regarded him callously; he had had so much yet to learn!

* * *

20\. Mothering

"You jumped-up, sword-swallowing giraffe, don't you fucking well die on my back, or I'll skin you and use your hide as a loincloth and tail wrap!"

* * *

21\. Jumped

Rob Lucci would be drawn and quartered before he ever let Blueno know how much those doors creeped him out when they opened behind him.

* * *

22\. Windward

Jesus Burgess watched the Straw-hats ride the Knock Up Stream, his hair drenched as he found something strong enough to make him worry.

* * *

23\. Astride

He rode through Drum Island with his horse and his crew, the harbinger of destruction and death masquerading as a healer.

* * *

24\. Judicial

Lafitte did miss one aspect of his previous life; the joy of acting as judge, jury, and executioner.

* * *

25\. Encyclopedia

As Kalifa rattled off the information they had harvested, Kaku fleetingly wondered why she even bothered with the note pad.

* * *

26\. Tropical

"Chapapapa, the heat and humidity's got it out for his hair," Fukurou explained to Jyabura as they watched a large pink afro attempt _seppuku_.

* * *

27\. Desert

Lucci lay awake in the hospital bed, still amazed that they had not left him to die alone.

* * *

28\. Colony

The fishmen behind Fisher Tiger fought desperately, refusing to let the Tenryuubito hold sway over their island ever again.

* * *

29\. Maroon

The color spread down his blade, and the dark veil of Level Six lifted from Shiryuu's eyes.

* * *

30\. Banzai

Jesus, having defeated yet another opponent, leapt on top of the tallest building in Mocktown, cheering loudly as two future supernovas twitched under the restraint of their navigator.

* * *


	6. Holiday Countdown and Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30 more word prompts from Lady Emzebel. At Amethyst Turtle's request, I'm trying to peek inside the heads of Baroque Works' agents.

Superficial

The Spiders Cafe's owner was always cheerful and calm, but Mr. 2 thought there was much more lurking under the surface.

* * *

Complexity

"Just leave him alone," Mr. 0 stated dismissively, effectively ending the argument as to whether the person formerly known as Bentham needed a male or female partner.

* * *

Harridan

Miss Merry Christmas had to resist the urge to bury Mr. 4 as he droned on and on about her nagging.

* * *

Locust

They stretched throughout all four seas and the Grand Line, a swarm of Millions and Billions at his crooked disposal.

* * *

Consequential

Mr. 3 knew it was the little things that got people killed, like not knowing the faces of every member in that Straw-hat crew.

* * *

Damned

Miss All Sunday sat on the mast of the ship, smirking slightly; Igaram saw his life flash before his eyes.

* * *

Blessed

Nefertari Vivi wept bitterly as she escaped with the orange-haired piratess, wondering how she had the good fortune to meet such loyal friends amid a cesspool of villainy and deceit.

* * *

Quixote

Crocodile had had his dreams crushed, the fragments too numerous to count; Mr. 0 thought it better to renounce them all than to ever confuse them with reality again.

* * *

Endpage

As an okama in a world full of misunderstanding and bigots, it was only fitting that Bentham's final words be free of regrets, and full of love for his friends.

* * *

Susurrus

The sand scraped along the ground, a scratchy counterpoint to Crocodile's snoring.

* * *

Marketed

"Utopia indeed," Mr. 3 harrumphed, wondering what he'd been smoking to let a little girl con him with such a lame sales tactic.

* * *

Unexpected

As Bon Kurei watched the other agent couples interacting with each other, Mr. 2 discovered another wonderful facet of his okama way.

* * *

Calamity

"Oo~~~~~~~~ps," Mr. 4 mumbled lowly as Lassou's nose dripped; Miss Merry Christmas was **not** going to like all this collateral damage.

* * *

Fresco

Miss Goldenweek found that she missed having a bit of molten wax added to her oil paints when decorating a blank wall.

* * *

Tango

Nobody knew what they did to the throbbing, writhing rhythm - one more secret held by the bartender of the desert bar known as Spiders Cafe.

* * *

Colloquial

"It's just something I heard from one of the people back at headquarters," Miss Wednesday replied with a shrug, praying it would throw off Mr. 9's curiosity at her turn of phrase.

* * *

Matrimony

Mr. 8 scratched the bare patch on his ring finger surreptitiously, and pushed aside thoughts of the desert he once knew.

* * *

Philanthropy

Crocodile would never get enough of these yokels calling him a savior, as if defeating pirates was something that solely benefitted their towns and villages.

* * *

Cadaver

One of the displeasures of working with Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine was clean-up duty; if only they would stop splattering people everywhere!

* * *

Release

Nico Robin was free from the sands at last, her life unearthed by a blood-drenched demigod.

* * *

Lullaby

Mr. 8 played his saxophone in the lonely bar, easing Miss Wednesday into quiet, dreamless sleep.

* * *

Spaced

"I~~~~~~~ was~~n't lis~~~~~~~~~~" Mr. 4 drawled, timing each syllable just long enough for Miss Merry Christmas to nod off mid-rant.

* * *

Risqué

Miss All Sunday looked at the outfit, then back at Crocodile, then to the oversized bananadiles in the tank before slipping on the ridiculously short skirt and top.

* * *

Ashen

The color of the man's skin slipped away with his life; Mr. 0's favored form of execution left Miss All Sunday cold and dry.

* * *

Jugular

He was an assassin and Roronoa was a bounty hunter; neither man should have known any other way to fight than to go in for the kill, so Daz Bones was greatly perplexed when he woke up in seastone shackles.

* * *

Viridian

Miss Goldenweek sipped her tea calmly as Mr. 3 set up the picnic blanket again; who knew he was so susceptible to green and yellow?

* * *

Mute

Mr. 13 and Miss Friday never made a sound as they scared the living daylights out of Baroque Works agents.

* * *

Xenia

"Come in, have a seat in the shade and a cool drink," Paula called out from the behind the counter.

* * *

Migraine

Paula rubbed her aching head as Mr. 2 and Mr. 1 went at it again; miles away, Nami massaged her pulsating temples as Sanji and Zoro lunged at each other.

* * *

Brilliance

Crocodile, Daz Bones, and Galdino never spoke of it, but they all felt Bentham's spirit radiating through his words to Straw-chan, illuminating the consciences they thought they had long lost.

* * *


	7. Nakama is for Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten drabbles of whatever length you like involving any character not a Strawhat becoming one. Nine of the drabbles should involve this new crew mate's interaction with the other members whether that's their first meeting or in another fashion. The final one should be the new Strawhat fully embracing their new found friendship and solidarity with the crew.

1\. Nakama is happiness

"Why were we brought into this?"

"It's simple, Robin - we're broke as dogs and the men are as subtle as a red brick wall. I - we- need money **right now** or Luffy will go hungry tonight."

"No! Never! Luffykins needs to eat his fill at all times to revive himself!"

"...Yeah, what the hoochie said."

"So this outfit - and I use the term very loosely - will help us rob the marine bank how again?"

"Just hush, jiggle, and you'll see."

 _Seventeen minutes later_

"I believe my beauty was too much for these peasants. I told you that you were unnecessary, bitch."

"Shut the fuck up, hag, and stop dragging your hair on the floor! Robin, how's the bag stuffing go-"

"This is Marine Captain Skay-Bay! We have you surrounded! Release the hostages and come out with your hands up! You have five minutes to comply with our demands or we will fire on you!"

"Brilliant, witch. What's our next move?"

"Let me do the talking for once. Hancock, unfreeze the customers one at a time. Robin, how long will your arms need?"

 _Twenty-two minutes later_

"That's the last hostage. Are we ready?"

"Let's hurry up and do this. I will stop these idiotic World Government bastards dead in their tracks."

"...I suppose we have no choice."

"Here we go. Three, two, one, now!"

 _Back on the Thousand Sunny_

Luffy, Sanji, Zoro, Usopp, Franky, Chopper, and Brook were gathered in the aquarium bar per Nami's instructions. They had gathered around their one den-den mushi capable monitor to watch the marine news report.

"...three of the notorious Straw-hat pirates are said to be holed up in this bank, which has been surrounded by Captain Skay Bay and his men. The hostages have all been confirmed safe, although they appear to have suffered some slight memory loss - wait a moment, it looks like the criminals are surrendering and are coming out with their hands up... Mama Mia Midori, look at those hooteakljvle...!"

"Happiness Punch 3000!"

As the Straw-hat women flashed the marine squadrons, a wave of blackouts struck the Thousand Sunny.

 _Twelve minutes later_

Robin, Nami, and Hancock strutted into the aquarium bar with their ill-gotten gains, only slightly out of breath. The Straw-hat men were still passed out in a seeping pool of blood.

"You all owe me 500,000 beris, except for Luffykins," Hancock sniffed smugly, trying not to drag her hair through the gore as Nami gave her grudging approval. Robin needed to get warm quickly - the diaphanous dress was giving her pneumonia.

* * *

2\. Nakama adore fruitcake

"What did you just call him?"

Sanji had just entered the bar where the rest of the Straw-hats were supposed to meet after they finished their shopping on the new island. The tableau spread before him spoke volumes; Ben-chan was seated at a table in the back, looking relatively normal - despite the light makeup - in the suit that Brook had loaned him, with a oversized son of a syphilitic wharf rat slobbering over him in anger. The ruffled shirt and sleeves poking out elegantly from the openings somehow avoided the flying spittle as Bentham ignored the raving lunatic to wave enthusiastically at his comrade.

"Sanji-chan! Over here! I have a pot of Earl Grey waiting for us!"

"Oh Lord, another one! What is he, yer bottle-brush boyfriend?"

Bentham placed his cup of tea on the table and folded his hands neatly in his lap as Sanji stalked closer to his seat.

"No, he would be our cook."

"Har, har, har! Cook, ye say? I bet his fruitcake is as nasty as you look!"

By this time, Sanji was by the chair that Bentham had kicked out for him, lighting a fresh cigarette. He sucked in the sweet, harsh nicotine, letting it relax him before he and Bentham asked the imbecile to repeat himself. Which he did.

"He's a nasty fruitcake, yer probably one too, and ye can't cook ta boot! Simple enough fer ye?"

"Yes," they both replied as Bentham stretched up to his full height. "That's what we thought you said."

When Usopp and Luffy finally joined the others, they nonchalantly stepped over and around the comatose people in the bar.

"What happened?" Usopp asked, miffed as he shook off a hand that dared to clutch at his boot. He and Luffy pushed two newly crippled pirates out of their seats and brought the chairs to the table.

Brook, Sanji, and Bentham sipped their tea while Zoro wiped away lager foam. Nami and Robin did not even bother to stop chatting as Franky and Chopper waved at them from behind their bottles of cola.

"Some guys were talking badly about fruitcake," Sanji informed them mildly as he crossed his legs.

"Oh," Luffy responded as he grabbed the mug of juice that Zoro slid his way. "Did you show them how good ours' is?"

"Emphatically, Straw-chan. Quite emphatically," Bentham responded.

"I should've learned me lesson after that Kidd fellow and his blanket,' the instigator managed to gurgle before Luffy's stomp knocked him back out.

* * *

3\. Nakama consider dietary restrictions

The Straw-hats, minus their captain and their sniper, watched the scene with perverse interest. Sanji and Brook were particularly affected as they watched the horror unfold.

For there, in the middle of the aquarium bar, was Keimi, her head bobbing up and down in sleep as a large, malevolent great white shark crept up behind her, teeth bared and cutlery at the ready.

The crew was interrupted by the clatter of feet as Luffy and Usopp barreled into the room.

"Na, na, na, he's a beauty, isn't he, isn't he?" Luffy crowed excitedly as he skidded to a stop in front of his crew.

"You shitty rubber jackass!" Sanji screeched as he, Nami, and Zoro proceeded to smack the two younger men upside the back of their heads. "That fucking shark is trying to eat Keimi!"

"Eh~!" Usopp and Luffy shrieked, their eyes bugging out in surprise at the sight in front of them. Their index fingers wave frantically as they pointed at the giant aquarium.

"Ur~p! Oh, dear, excuse me! Usopp-chin, Luffy-chin, that was delicious!"

The rest of the crew turned their attentions back to Keimi, only to see a napkin tied around her neck, a large platter of fish steaks in front of her, and the enormous, carved remains of a shark skeleton bobbing to the surface of the tank. The sweat rolled off of everyone's brow.

"Oo, Sanji-chin, can we have the rest of this as sushi tonight?"

The Straw-hats blinked a few times as the cook hesitantly announced that fish was back on the menu.

* * *

4\. Nakama love cuteness

Chopper dashed through the Thousand Sunny, tears whipping off of his face as he hunted for the sniper.

"Oh, cutey pie? Where are you?"

"Where is he?" the reindeer shrieked, panic-stricken as he descended into the bowels of the ship.

"The goddamn coward has got to be around here somewhere, or else we're doomed to live like the seaweed we are," Zoro added breathily as he sped up to join the doctor. The swordsman was dragging Sanji along by his collar, the cook still muttering suicidal epithets.

Usopp grunted as the door to his workshop flew open and a brown, green, and yellow streak dashed under his work table.

"Not this again," he sighed loudly as he pushed back his chair.

"There you are, you adorable little darlings! You will all look so much cuter when I finish mixing up your body par- ee~k!"

Perona screeched to a halt at the doorway as a nine-foot tall, long-nosed cockroach stood in front of Usopp's workshop. The antennae wiggled once and she was down on the floor in a frothing mass of ghosts and pink hair before vanishing.

Usopp sighed as he removed the stifling costume, glad for once that he was not the cutest, most handsome person on earth. The other three were still cowering under the table, muttering about their lives as sea cucumbers.

"Didn't I tell you not to sneak into the girls' room when Perona's not in her body?" Usopp snapped as he bonked the cook on the head repeatedly. He'd been in the middle of a very complex chemical equation for a new acid star he was concocting, and the interruption was not appreciated.

"But, but most reliable Usopp-sama - fuck a duck, when does this horo shit wear off? Lichen such as myself find such cuteness irresistible in a woman!" Sanji replied as he crawled from under the work table.

"Well resist!" Usopp snarled in response while helping Chopper to free his antlers from the narrow confines.

"Or do you really want us to end up as Cho-ron-ji, the swashbuckling, high-stepping, reindeer servants of cuteness again?" Zoro bellowed, shuddering at the thought.

"Hey, it worked against Absalom, didn't it?" the cook snapped, trying to forget the hair extensions and pink suit from **that** particular episode as they escorted him up to the kitchen.

* * *

5\. Nakama are understanding

Franky eyed the badly dented armor as Heracles stood with his back to the shipwright.

"Not supa, Beetle-bro. You're going to have to remove it for me to get it ship-shape."

"That is most unpleasant, Frankyun. Usoppun assured me that if anyone could do this, it would be you-n."

"Sorry, Beetle-bro, but unless you want to fit both of us in there, it's no doing."

Heracles visibly slumped in front of Franky like a wilted flower. A gauntleted arm came up to wipe away tears from behind the horned helmet.

"Frankyun, I do not like-n to be vulnerable...but...if-un you must."

The shipwright turned away pensively as the other man began the arduous task of unbuckling the heavy chest piece. No one had actually seen the new crew mate without his full suit of armor on, not yet at any rate. There was nervous tension in the air, and the silence was so thick that a bystander would have heard the gears in Franky's head grinding to a halt.

"Hey, how 'bout this, Beetle-bro? You keep on your chest piece and give me the back plates to fix. Then you stand behind me and watch my six."

The silence became apprehensive. Franky shuffled nervously before sighing and turning away

"I don't have any plating in my back yet, so I hate leaving it to an open door. If you stand there in your breastplate, neither of us will have to worry about sneak attacks."

Franky thought he heard the helmet creak with appreciative laughter as his nakama handed him the damaged, black plates of metal over his shoulders. The shipwright nodded in complete agreement.

* * *

6\. Nakama never forget

The Klaubautermann hadn't expected such a welcome, but he had no time to register surprise as Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp lifted him up into a wailing mass of snot and tears.

"Merry!" Usopp cried loudly, while Zoro, Sanji, and Robin looked on with soft smiles. "You've come back!"

"I - I guess so," the little entity gasped out before Franky and Nami slapped the younger men away, allowing the small being to breathe. "I don't really remember that name, but I really feel as if I know almost all of you. I...I think I missed you. I was watching from...somewhere else, and I kept thinking, _'Ah, I want to join them.'_ Then, suddenly, I was floating on the ocean, but I wasn't a ship anymore."

Brook, ever the epitome of charm, walked over to the tiny man, tipped his hat, and extended his bony fingers in a handshake.

"Yohohoho! After hearing so much about you, I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Merry. I do believe you are the first person I've laid eyes on who is stranger than myself. Ah, but I have no eyes! Skeleton Joke!"

The Klaubautermann timidly shook hands with the exceedingly long and lanky skeleton, his neck and back aching from the effort of looking the musician in the...eye sockets.

"Nice to meet you too," Merry responded, his grip surprisingly strong for such a diminutive being.

"But how did you even get here?" Sanji asked, surreptitiously blinking away his own tears and blaming his cigarette smoke. "We left you way back at Enies Lobby."

The crew made space for Merry as Franky scooped him up and carried him to the dining hall's grand table with long strides. Chopper threw a few pillows from his infirmary into the seat so that the nautical incarnation could reach the table.

"Tell us everything!" Luffy ordered as he stretched a rubber arm around Merry's back. Sanji stepped into the galley to whip up some drinking snacks and Zoro went to the pantry for sake and grog. "You have all the time in the world!"

The Klaubautermann smiled softly, and began speaking.

* * *

7\. Nakama forgive nakama

"Sorry," Vivi whimpered, her eyes dripping and her clothes in ruin. The smell of gunpowder and smoke hung heavily in the dirty aqua locks that laid over her shoulders in a mess of snarls and tangles - not that any of this was visible in the gloom of the women's quarters that night.

"Sorry," she said again, as she tried not to curl in on herself. "I- I'm sorry I took so long to help you. I'm sorry- even though my kingdom was saved, in the end - I'm sorry, I-"

Soft arms marred by welts, scrapes, and scratches enfolded the former princess in a warm embrace, even thought the owner was still recuperating in the ship's infirmary.

"I'm sorry I couldn't see past Miss All-Sunday. I'm sorry that I was jealous of you. I'm sorry I wished you dead. I'm sorry that you near- nearly...I'm so sorry!"

Nami's arms coiled around Vivi's neck and pulled the princess' bruised and battered head onto her shoulder.

"I'm sorry I betrayed you! I was just trying to save my country again, but I- I didn't want-!" the shivering girl wailed, propped up solely by the navigator who was now brushing the knots out of the blue hair with the aid of several gentle hands.

"It's alright, Vivi. We've done it before, for reasons much like yours. We'll help you through it, but the first thing you need to do is remember what has been lost and...and say goodbye." Nami whispered in the girl's ear, a lump in her throat stopping her from speaking more.

So Vivi remembered, and Robin remembered, and Nami remembered, and as the princess-turned-piratess wept bitterly in the safety of her new sisters' arms, they all forgave each other and themselves.

* * *

8\. Nakama value health

The coughing was barely noticeable, even in the small sick bay behind the Thousand Sunny's kitchen. Normally, when most of the crew was healthy and able, Chopper would be able to take a break. However, that was not the case right now, where he was in _Heavy Point_ form, struggling with too-large fingers and a too-small tweezer to dig a bullet out of Sanji's shoulder.

"Oh blast it all!" Chopper yelled as he pitched the tweezer across the room and searched for a larger one. Sanji was vaguely amused, and very glad that he was gassed up to his eyeballs. The tweezer looked like it needed his opiates though.

"These tools were made for children, I swear!" Chopper grumbled as he pulled another implement of tortu- er, healing - from his bag.

Slim fingers snagged the tool from Chopper and replaced it with a warm cup of milk. Sanji finally passed out due to blood loss - Kaya's soft bosom had just strategically brushed against him as she pushed him back down on the gurney.

Within a few minutes, the shot was out and clattering around in a nearby jar. Sanji's arm was covered in a thick mustard poultice and wrapped with bandages before Chopper could even finish his drink.

"That's one patient down. Now for the difficult one," Kaya chirped sweetly as she withdrew her scalpels and a large lollipop from her sweater's lone pocket.

For the first time ever, Chopper considered talking to his mother about her bedside manners.

* * *

9\. Nakama go out with a big bang

Buggy and Usopp fought each other as they scrambled up the ladder from the ship's hold. They juggled a small, round object between each other as they ran screaming to the side of the ship, nimbly avoiding Zoro's sleeping form as it laid prone on the deck, **right** in their frigging way!

"Move it, move it, move it!" Usopp screeched as he threw the little lead ball at Buggy. "Oi, stop juggling it and throw it overboard!"

"I can't!" Buggy wailed, shaking hisleft hand vigorously. "This glove fell in the glue pot and now it's stuck to my hand!"

"Then throw your hand!"

"You nosy idiot, I need that hand!"

"Oh for fuck's sake," Zoro grumbled as he yanked off Buggy's arm and tossed it overboard.

"Oh no!" the sniper and the cannoneer whimpered loudly, jumping on the swordsman and dragging him down to the deck.

"What the hell is going-?"

Zoro's ranting was interrupted by an earth-shattering roar at least as loud as Oz sneezing. The Thousand Sunny's figurehead nearly lost its mane due to the fright.

"What the mother-?"

"Who the hell-?"

"Not supa! My ship!"

"Ara?"

"Whoa, so loud! It's a mysterious boom!"

Everyone gathered on the deck, trying to figure out what had happened when Buggy started yelling and shaking Usopp.

"Look! Look! It worked, Nagaking! That is so flashy!"

"Wooohooo! We are so awesome!"

Luffy, Zoro, Nami, Sanji, Chopper, Robin, Franky, and Brook watched in amazement as colorful rockets erupted from the sea nearby to blast into millions of sparkles reflecting the myriad colors of the rainbow, the Nosey Duo hopping and jigging around their crew with joy.

Until Buggy remembered that someone had to fish out his hand.

* * *

10\. Nakama is for life.

"Stop jooooking around! Do I really need to do this?"

Bentham was stretched out on his stomach atop Chopper's infirmary bed, his back exposed to Usopp, who was drawing lightly on his skin with a pensive frown on his face.

"Yeah, you do, and I'm the one that does all of them. Your choice is fine, and I'll knock your socks off," the sniper assured him absentmindedly as he put down his pen and took up his other equipment.

"Relax, Ben-chan," Chopper consoled him, patting his arm lightly. "Usopp is an expert, plus we all have one, just in case...well, just in case. Do you need anything for the pain?"

"Me? Never! I'm fine, my dear Reindeer-chan, so just get on with it, you two!"

 _Many days later_.

Bentham was still apprehensive...it wasn't the most piratical of symbols and for some reason, he was very certain that the rest of the crew would disapprove of it. A peculiar thought, given that the only nakama to see it so far were the creator and the doctor. Still, Bentham wasn't sure that he could take any rejection right now - he was so much closer with these people than he ever was with the Baroque Works agents. Being rejected, even slightly, would crush some part of him forever.

"We're ready, Ben-chan!" Luffy yelled from the back of the aquarium bar. Rubbery hands grabbed onto to the Straw-hat's new spy and bodily yanked him from his reverie. The captain also managed to yank him into the rest of the crew on the sofa.

"Beautiful, you shitty black hole. My head is going to be hurting for ages," Sanji grumbled as he pulled himself from the bottom of the pile. Just his luck to be next to Luffy when the idiot decided to pull that stunt.

"I keep telling you, aim a little more!" Zoro barked as he and Franky lifted everyone else on their backs and replaced them in their seats. He negligently tossed Bentham onto the grand dining table, where he bounced back up with a flip.

"Are we ready?" Nami asked everyone as they got comfortable again. Franky dimmed the lights and squeezed in between Brook and Robin. Zoro sat Chopper on his lap and flopped next to the navigator, while Sanji and Usopp bickered until the cook kicked the sniper next to their captain and took a seat at the end of the cushions.

Bentham gulped, turned around in a few nerve-settling pirouettes, then tore the shirt off of his body as he stopped with his back to the others.

"Tada! The Swan has arrived!"

There was silence. Bentham sniffed the air in big gulps, certain that just like other times, he would be put out, driven out for his sense of fashion and tastes and preferences-

Sanji was next to him, his shirt and jacket off as he backed the rest of the crew.

"So which tattoo's better? My _Ocean-faring Duck_ or Ben-chan's _Swan amidst the Lilacs_?"

Zoro snorted and got up, stripping off his shirt along the way.

"Neither. _Shark of the Green Depths_ is way better that curly-brows and eyeliner."

"Wha~t?" the two kicking experts spluttered, rage painting their faces red.

"No way, _Sky Blue King Bull_ is the best! It's the most **supa**!"

"Ha! You are all fools! _Golden Armadillo of the Earth_ shall rule supreme!"

"Nohohoho! My scrimshaw, _Prancing Horses_ , is beyond comparison!"

"No, you bastards, it's _The Reindeer Constellation_ that'll win!"

"Luffy, which one is best?" Robin asked coolly, while Nami fumed at the men as they squabbled and bickered and - oh dear, it looked like Franky threw the first fist this time.

"They're all awesome! So awesome!" Luffy cried out with stars in his eyes, snot and tears bubbling down his face. The rubber man dragged the two women up to join the line in front of him, tearing off his vest as Robin shrugged off her bolero jacket and Nami adjusted her halter top.

Reflected in the aquarium's glass was a mystical menagerie embroidered on the battle-hardened flesh of the most notorious pirates alive; a grinning monkey, a sleeping shark, an orange wildcat, a burrowing armadillo, an oceanic duck, a starry-eyed reindeer, a crane in the purple of dusk, a flying bull, a stately horse, and a nestling swan. In the corner of each design was a small brand - the Straw-hat jolly roger and their personal flags. The tattoos and rubbings and brands and etchings would last until the skin or bone itself decayed, meaning that they would always be able to identify each other, no matter how Death took them.

The Straw-hats grinned and laughed, linking tattoos and scars and elbows and hearts. Bentham felt like he'd always been here, with these people. What had he been worrying about? He never had to worry again.

* * *


	8. Put A Different Spin On It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Aoihand:
> 
> The great Multiverse Challenge!
> 
> I'm an enormous fan of Alternative Universe settings so I thought it'd be fun to try.
> 
> Rules:
> 
> 1.) Write minimum five drabbles.
> 
> 2.) The setting must have an obviously AU slant in a very overt way.
> 
> Example: Shanks as a marine. (I did this one for sure.)
> 
> Luffy never meets Shanks.
> 
> Sanji as a member of Baroque works. (Wait, I definitely wrote this in another fic.)
> 
> Luffy as a member of the revolutionary army.
> 
> Zoro as a demon that wandered out of hell. (kishishishishi)
> 
> Nami as state treasurer.
> 
> Ok, you asked for it. Thanks to Ludacris for creating a song that correctly portrays all the females in OP :D

Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp were the first to have their ties wrapped around their heads at the impromptu office party. As expected. Zoro, Franky, Ace, and Sanji, executive vice presidents that they were, couldn't be bothered to berate their employees tonight - their brokerage firm had made a mint on the last few deals, passed audit without greasing any palms, and gain 17 clients.

Plus, it was the boss' treat, even if she and her friends hadn't arrived yet.

"This place is hopping!" Luffy whooped as he and his older brother dropped onto Zoro's back, drunk as skunks and hitting off just as hard. Not that the smirking, green-haired professional cared. He'd been Luffy's elder in their fraternity and the notorious Duke basketball team way back when. Ace had been the green-haired guard's elder in the same fraternity, but had transferred out of Duke to the cheaper state college. He was beyond used to the brothers' touchy-feely habits.

Now if the E.V.P. of commodities ever did it, he'd wring the scrawny yellow bitch's neck till he lost his Adam's apple.

"Best music on the club scene too, especially during Final Four!" Franky screamed into Sanji's ear as he and Usopp draped arms around each other and saluted the D.J - a long, lanky, bony fellow with an afro. Sanji and Usopp had been teammates on UNC Chapel Hill's illustrious basketball program, as well as dorm-mates for two years. Franky, a bulky, baby-blue mohawked freak of a football player, used to be their R.A. as well as their Greek adviser.

Now if the green-haired galoot that was E.V.P. of bonds tried to do this to Sanji, he'd kick him in the nuts so hard he'd have to come to work in skirts.

"But where're the women?" Chopper slurred, well plastered by his third vodka shot. The former medical school whiz kid had taken a detour in order to pay for his specialization studies, and had failed to leave the firm after Usopp and Luffy took command of him. The reindeer was neutral territory for most of the office, having gone to North Carolina State on a football scholarship where he met Ace, followed by dual-scholarship at Duke and UNC. Besides, he was the only one who could tell Zoro and Sanji that they really did sing beautifully together when they were both too drunk to remember who went to school where.

"Seriously, Ms. Bellemere should be here by-" Luffy started, only to have his short attention span ( _it worked for trading, not so much for real-life_ ) snapped by a commotion near the club's main doors.

 _My chick bad, my chick hood,_

 _My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could._

The doors to the club seemed to burst open as Nami Bellemere and her North Carolina Central University alumnae swaggered through the gaping club-goers.

Nami, the radiant, red-headed goddess that ( _sometimes_ ) acted as president of _Mikan Trading_ , walked arm and arm with her best friends - her executive vice president of regulations and dark-humored brunette, Robin Nico, and her executive vice president of communications and marketing, the bubbly bluette, Vivi Nefertari.

 _My chick bad, my chick hood,_

 _My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could._

Behind these three came the Sister Squad: the brash, captivating strawberry blonde, Jewelry Bonney, owner of the most popular pizza chain in the U.S.; former marine, the close-cropped, close-lipped, and lithe Tashigi Kuina, head of the largest woman-owned defense contractor in the country, and Kaya Merry, the cheerful, blonde administrator for the best-run public health system in the state.

 _M-m-m-my chick bad,_

 _Badder, badder than yours._

 _My my chick bad,_

 _Badder, badder than yours._

Bringing up the rear, but by no means last, was the former Ms. Universe and head of the world's most prestigious luxury brands company, Hancock Boa, her long, ultra-black hair almost sweeping the floor with the sway of her voluptuous figure, and leader of the most famous child-focused conglomerate known to mankind, the petite, pink-haired, and devious Perona Bearsy.

 _My chick bad, my chick hood,_

 _My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could._

The men of _Mikan Trading_ ( _and the majority of breathing heterosexual males in the club_ ) drained their shots in awe as the gaggle of female superpowers approached them. The night had just started, and the Easter weekend stretched in front of them, currently decorated in shades of feminine accompaniment. As the eldest brother ( _how the hell they all decided to enter the same fraternity while attending different schools, no-one had quite figured out_ ), Franky led the charge.

"Men, what's our motto?"

"Achievement in every field of human endeavor!" his brethren crowed loudly.

"What's tonight's endeavor?"

"Love!"

"Or at least some female companionship that doesn't give change or take acting classes," Zoro muttered. Ace and Sanji nodded sadly, then kicked the green-haired man in the shins for suggesting anything.

"Alright, let's get to it men!"

Sanji, Zoro, and Luffy cleared the dance floor in advance of the women and created a secure perimeter inside of the V.I.P. section. Chopper and Usopp scurried to the D.J.'s and the bar respectively to order up favorite genres of music and alcoholic drinks in grand quantities. Ace and Franky acted as hosts for the evening, dispatching orders and catering to the women's every whim.

The women honestly tried not to gloat. Really.

But it's hard when you own the world.

[~~~]

Eustass Kidd and his first mate, Killer, peered down at his new recruits.

Coby and Helmeppo stared up at the new vice-admiral, trying very hard not to sweat in front of a man wearing a fur-lined marine seacoat in summer in South Blue.

"Captain" Kidd and his ensign, Killer "the Pirate Nightmare" grinned.

Coby and Helmeppo gulped nervously.

"This is going to be a long tour of duty," Helmeppo whispered discreetly before Killer dragged by his hair to the practice grounds.

"Luffy!" Coby whimpered as Kidd levitated the boy by the belt for a closer look, "I thought you said the Navy wasn't scary!"

[~~~]

Hancock was in shock, but not deep enough to cause her to lose her voice.

"How could you! You- you- you- whore!"

Nami slid off of Luffy as quickly as she could and both tried to dress quickly.

"I trusted you! You told me it was just a phase! You slut!"

Hancock rounded on Nami with a slap, the redhead withering under the gaze.

"But, Hancock, lovey, I was just practicing CPR on him!"

"Yeah, don't get so mad at her!"

Boa Hancock glared daggers at Luffy, her voice sharp as a knife.

"You home-wrecker! Get out before I decide to kill you anyway!"

[~~~]

Mihawk and Sengoku reclined on Shanks' couch with their beers while their tea-totalling room-mate berated them on their drunken orgies, laziness, lack of hygiene, and general ill-being.

Ah. This was the life.

[~~~]

Caimie hated the sea. The salt water, the fish, the depths - everything about it revolted her. If the oceans dried up tomorrow, she'd be the first one cheering.

Crocodile loved the sea. He swam like a dolphin, dived like a whale, and would probably run into the nearest tsunami.

No one could figure out how the two ever got married without the universe self-combusting.

[~~~]


	9. In Short, How Are You Feeling?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Sacred and Profane:
> 
> Biologic Emotion Prompt
> 
> Pick a character or pairing and write five or more drabbles based off of emotions and/or biology.
> 
> Yeah, really short and random. Enjoy!

Arousal:

When she saw the way he downed that 28-lb turkey without breathing, Jewelery Bonney knew that she was getting Monkey D. Luffy in her bed.

 **  
_Tonight._   
**

_**After**_ supper.

[~~~]

Disgust:

Usopp never really explained why they broke up, but she was fairly certain it had something to do with her love of mushrooms.

She was dead certain that was the reason when she heard from Nami that the long-nosed sniper had become fast friends with Chopper, who'd rejected Sanji's companionship after the chef first bothered to cook him dinner...

[~~~]

Dejection:

Sanji adjusted his clip-in hair extensions, prayed, then looked out of the window.

The blue horizon stretched out for miles in any direction, the sea as flat as a pancake, the water as still as the dead.

Another day, another empty scene. The cook sighed and slipped on his high-heeled sandals, praying that he would see a speck out there soon.

[~~~]

Affection:

He'd never tell anyone, not even the people hugging him, but Zoro was still unused to the burning sensation that often swelled in his chest at the most random times since they'd reunited.

[~~~]

Rage:

Hancock fumed; how dare the marines strike her beloved? She'd have turned their balls to stone and ground them under her heels if there weren't a zillion of them on Marineford!

[~~~]


	10. The Classifications of Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Sacred and Profane:
> 
> Genre Prompt
> 
> Write at least five drabbles based off of different genres from whatever you like for whatever character/pairing you like.
> 
> Hrm - crack open the bubbly, madness shall ensue! Meet KalifaxKumadori and CrocodilexKeimi!

Horror:

"H-how could such a horrible place exist?"

Keimi shivered in fear and revulsion at the gigantic expanse of burning sand that stretched before her for hundreds of miles. She instinctively stepped back into the relatively cool shadow of her new owner and master.

She would cry, but she had a hunch that tears were very precious and scarce in this arid country.

A large, dry, _itchy_ hand fell on her shoulders. If it was supposed to be reassuring, her owner had failed miserably. Since her owner was Crocodile, the former Shichibukai and ex-leader of the secret society, Baroque Works, it was more likely meant to scare her out of her few remaining wits.

His scratchy voice, like an annoying itch under her back scales after lounging on a beach ( _this is no beach! Beaches have water!_ ) made her want to scream again and again and again and again and-

"Drink."

The canteen was presented before her face, dangling from the cruelly sharp tip of his notorious hook. Oh God. She hated hooks.

[~]

Keimi woke up with terror closing her throat, madness skirting around the edges of her mind. Suddenly uncomfortable, she twisted and turned frantically until she could use her nails on her back.

She bit her lip till her teeth pierced the soft flesh. The strange, irritating sand on her fingers was stained pink with her blood.

[~]

As he shaded the sobbing, screaming mermaid in his cape, Crocodile wondered again what Doflamingo meant by giving her to him as a 'reward' for helping Straw-hat Luffy escape.

He also wondered if mermaid flesh really granted immortality...

[~]

Crocodile woke up languorously, still shackled and chained in his cell on Level 6.

He smiled cruelly as a new flavor burst onto his lips.

[~~~]

Romantic comedy:

She was the executive assistant and paralegal for one of the most ruthless corporate lawyer in an illustrious law firm in the city.

He was a down-and-out Broadway actor sleeping at the YMCA and working part-time jobs to survive.

How the heck did this happen?

[~]

Kalifa blinked at the roguish fellow with the ridiculously light blonde/pink hair swept back in a high ponytail. Why, the hair was longer and broader than the athletically-inclined bike messenger dripping all over her doormat and looking at her with adoration in his eyes-

"Under Penal Code -"

Kumadori was startled to learn how many things could be considered inappropriate acts bordering on felonious sexual harassment when his lecturer was standing in her doorway dressed in a towel.

He would forever feel guilty for not letting her know that the towel was slipping a _little_ further down every time she futilely stabbed a perfectly-manicured finger into his chest...

[~]

Kalifa had no idea why she'd taken the imbecile's tickets to such a ratty looking off-Broadway show.

"Yoyoi! Let me bare my throat to your cruel intentions as a token of apology~!"

The paralegal massaged her temples. Ah, yes, now she remembered why - so the bumbling moron wouldn't kill himself on her doorstep with his fake rubber sword. Bloody hell, it'd only been a light scolding! No need for the theatrics!

"So why the hell am I here?" she asked herself in annoyance as she gingerly sat down on the shabby, sticky theater seat.

"Kalifa, go on a date with Jyabura, get him liquored, and get him talking. Tonight."

Ah, yes, indeed. She was here because she felt dirty and used after following Lucci's instructions and dealing with the ill-disguised wolf in human flesh, Jyabura of Cock's Crow Productions. She couldn't get any drunker and she'd almost scrubbed her skin off under the hotel's shower, thanking all known and unknown entities that she'd gotten the slobbering lecher to pass out before he could get it in. The only thing she wanted to do right now was drown in bad acting instead of her sorrows.

[~]

How the heck had this happened?

Kalifa laid awake in the embrace of toned arms and flowing pink hair. Her cheeks were damp, still damp from Kumadori's performance. Without leaving her seat, she had been transported to the stage next to him, twirling, dipping, and leaping in synchronized effort. His singing left her mind clean, empty, and revitalized, driving away every thought and implanting the emotion he wanted her - and the audience - to feel. She had no concrete thought in her mind when she went backstage in the ramshackle building, but he'd taken one look at her, hugged her, and took her to bed in his nearby cot.

All with both of their clothes on. He hadn't even attempted to feel her up or make her go down on him. This was something different, but what, exactly, she couldn't say.

[~~~]

Western:

She was, quite frankly, dying.

Staked out in the desert, naked, her life ruined and burned beside her. Whoever told them to let these marauding white people into their lands deserved to be here.

Not her.

The Mermaid camp was nothing more than ash on the ground - gutted by hires of the railroad company. The nearby river - the only source of water for miles in any direction - was thoroughly polluted by the bodies of the fishmen that had died trying to protect their home.

She wished her betrothed had been able to slit her throat completely before she was effectively crucified as a warning to other Mermaids. Of course, he'd been dying, wilting on her bosom as his blood pooled onto her.

The others had taken the hint, skirting the area as her lips and scale tattoos cracked and bled under the heat.

[~]

Three days later, she was alive enough to see the speck on the horizon grow 2, then 4, then 6 legs. She passed out the next day.

[~]

Crocodile chewed his cigar thoughtfully. His horse stomped at a lizard, but was otherwise still.

The tattered, inked Redskin woman groaned. The horse whinnied nervously.

"I'm a damn fool for even tryin' this," Crocodile concluded as he wearily slid off of the horse, his knife already out of his scabbard, his hook tidying away the reins.

But he sure as hell hated his own cooking.

[~]

She had changed in his company. Despite any heat in the desert, they were both cold and scaly, like lizards.

Mermaids that knew her from before cursed her name, calling her a ghoul that survived when she should not have. White people cursed her name as a black-hearted, traitorous Injun scout, too good at what she did to be killed, but quick to abandon her clients if they didn't listen to her - usually to their detriment (and death).

Both spoke of her uncanny ability to talk to animals - birds, fish, snakes, even locust;her strange way of knowing north without the compass. Her ability to find water anywhere.

They mainly complained about her ability to rule over the orneriest outlaw on the Frontier.

They still talk in hushed tones about the Railroad Company Massacre and the hook marks left in the president.

[~~~]

Musical Comedy

"No, sir, I do not dance."

Kumadori blinked in amazement at the prim, proper governess Kalifa. Her half-glasses and hat were positioned perfectly on her head, down to the last degree. Her whalebone corset was a tad too tight for his liking, but her bustle was quite shapely indeed...

The chimney sweep brought his ash-covered face closer to inspect her. He seemed to be oblivious to her scowl.

"Yoyoi? Why not?" he inquired, cocking his head to one side.

Kalifa pointedly scowled again and stepped back, thinking of God and her Queen, Victoria, instead of the shape of his jawline. The church had instructed her quite well on her duties as a good, upper middle-class lady.

"Dancing is licentious when done impulsively, and only leads to trouble for young women."

Kumadori gasped in horror, twirling away with a flourish before laying his spiky furnace brush across his shoulders.

"Trouble? Trouble? Like seas in autumn; stormy, dreary; the whales sing! Yoyoi! You don't know the half!"

The chimney sweep imperiously took hold of her soft, lilac-scented hand ( _Ah, how often she must bathe!_ ) and tugged lightly. Kalifa gasped as she stumbled into his broad chest ( _Thank goodness he changed clothes!_ ) and raised her head to glower up at him as he began to sway, forcing her body to move against - no, with - his own. With no more than one hand, he twirled them around the dusk-shrouded park, flitting her between light and shadows so quickly that she feared she had fallen into a fairy mound. He sang as they danced, his hair whipping her lightly as it wrapped now around her neck, then her wrist, then her shoulder. Her bellows of anger had become breathless gasps of laughter as he launched her into the air, twirling on tiptoes before catching her safely again.

All with one hand. She wondered what would happen if he danced with her with his arms free.

Kumadori smirked slightly as the blush crawled from under Kalifa's prudent, stiffly starched lace collar, rising like the tide over her cheeks. Dancing was dangerous? Oh, she didn't know the half!

[~~~]

Reality Show:

"Yoyoi! As spring bursts forth; dancing with love; let the laughter flow!"

Loud cheers filled the studio as Kumadori, neatly dressed in a black tuxedo, jogged and cart-wheeled out onto the stage. He bowed low to further applause.

"Yoyoi! Thank you for joining us once again on The Pirate Bachelor: Desert Edition. I am your host, Kuma~dori, and this is my assistant, Keimi!"

Keimi skipped in from the other side of the stage to even louder applause, her short dress miraculously failing to expose more of her long legs - they were hidden under thigh-high boots. Kumadori gave her a warm hug and a kiss before they took their seats - two black barstools in the center of the stage.

"Thanks for coming, Keimi! I'm sure you remember our last meeting with Crocodile."

"Oh indeed! Last week's show was a real heavy-hitter with Kalifa's surprise exit, Kumadori!"

"That's right, Keimi, yoyoi! For those of you at home who may have missed the show last week, let's take a quick look!"

[~]

"Crocodile. I have something to tell you."

Crocodile barely looked up from his newspaper to regard the tall, icy blonde next to him.

"Speak."

She cleared her throat and pulled out a small notepad.

"Crocodile. Over the past few weeks, I have observed that you are distant, paranoid, manipulative, vicious, abusive, mentally unstable, and devious. As perfect as that would normally make you in my eyes, I am forced to confess that I cannot feel more than grudging respect for you."

The blonde replaced the notepad, having accurately guessed that she now held his full attention. It was much like being watched by a ravenous animal in hiding.

She sighed, wondering briefly if she was passing on the right thing. Never mind. Her determination kicked her swiftly in the ass.

"Crocodile, I'm in love with someone else. I wish you greater success with my replacement."

The blonde bent over to place a chaste, barely noticeable kiss on the smooth, dry jawline before walking out of Crocodile's den without looking back.

[~]

"Wow! How moving!" Keimi cried loudly from her perch next to Kumadori.

"Yoyoi, like the rays of summer! Faced with this new development, our producers have been frantically look for a replacement. Luckily, we managed to find the right type of woman before tonight's show."

A drumroll filled the air.

"Oh, who could it be?" Keimi inquired innocently, her eyes wide and luminous.

"Why don't we let Crocodile tell us? Crocodile, come on in!"

Crocodile sauntered through the audience entrance and the crowd went wild. Women trampled each other to touch him and beg him to take them on the show. The rugged oil pirate ignored their bleating and headed directly to the stage, only stopping long enough to speak with Keimi.

"I want you, Keimi."

The co-host gaped like a small fish under his gaze, then stammered something that vaguely resembled the phrase, "pardon please?" Crocodile pulled the woman to her feet and against his chest.

"I want you, Keimi. Don't make me repeat myself, or I'll make you fish for your own bananadile-skin bags."

The stricken Keimi was swiftly escorted off-stage, where cameras followed the couple as they entered a limousine and returned to the mansion where the show was being shot. Kumadori whistled lowly.

"Ah~! Such forcefulness! Come all, let's wish Keimi the best!"

After a long round of applause and a commercial break, Kumadori was back.

"And now, yoyoi, let's speak with the corporate accountant from San Francisco, California, about her surprise exit last week. Please welcome Kalifa!"

Kalifa strode in purposefully, her black stilettoes clicking sharply on the stage. She nodded at the studio audience once before taking a seat on the barstool that Keimi had vacated.

"Thank you, one and all."

"We're glad to have you back!" Kumadori began with a brilliant smile. "Now tell us, if you don't mind, who is the lucky man that you've fallen for?"

Kalifa eyed Kumadori critically, then shrugged and gave a soft smile, as if she were privy to a great secret.

"For starters, he has pink hair..."

[~~~]

* * *

 _  
**Author says:**   
_

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. XD


	11. Add Some Color to Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt #158 from creativewritingprompt.com.
> 
> Put an athlete, artist, and fitness instructor in a museum. Add in a broken window and a crooked painting. One of the three panics. Write out the scene.
> 
> I love them too much. Another Baroque Works-centric chapter, with a bit more than three characters.

The sound had traveled far, farther even than the spray of glass shards that exploded onto Galdino and Robin, the museum curators of art and history respectively. Splinters tried to worm their way into flesh despite the heavy coating of wax over their arms, raised protectively over their heads. For once, Robin was glad that Galdino had talked her into helping him in one of his artistic endeavors - while he was a commendable painter, he was more gifted as a wax sculptor and a critic.

"Ooooooo~ps."

A large head came through the window. Galdino blinked heavily to flush fine glass dust out of his eyes before regarding the Yankees' best hitter, nicknamed Mr. 4 - a moniker the giant had earned for his habit of hitting home runs in the fourth innings. While Robin dusted herself off, Mr. 3 on the museum hierachy straightened a precious painting, trying not to hyperventilate.

The masterpiece by the reclusive artist known as Miss Goldenweek ( _Galdino was obsessed with the coloration of her works_ ) was badly bruised. She was making a rare trip out to the museum today. In fact, she would be arriving for her private tour right about now-

"- you idiot! I told you to watch that swing! What the hell do you pay me for if you don't listen to your instructor, ha? Ha? Ha? Speak up, you moron! Ah, fugeddaboutit!"

Mr. 4's agent and fitness instructor, Miss Molehill, stood on tiptoe to peek through the shattered plate-glass window that used to stretch the length of the museum. Galdino was rooted to the spot in front of the painting.

"Hey, buddy! Sorry 'bout that, 'k, 'k, 'k? We'll pay it for you , how much ya-"

Robin looked up just as Galdino threw the painting at the instructor's head and started screaming.

"Pay for it? Pay for it? You stupid bitch, this is priceless! You've ruined a masterpiece, you and you stupid trained ape, and now you just want to pay for it? The artiste behind that gorgeous landscape piece will be here in less than 5 minutes! 5 minutes! I don't give a flying fuck how much money you have, you can't reproduce that quality of color in 15 years far less 5 minutes, and she's going to be here! Here! That piece was going to be the _tour-de-force_ for an exhibition that we've been planning with her for months now, months! Months of work destroyed in six seconds by that ignoramus! Argh!"

Galdino wheezed and clutched his chest as Robin gently forced his head down towards his legs. His other hand fluttered by his pocket, frenetically searching for his asthma inhaler. He was having a full out fit brought on by the unadulterated rage and panic flowing through his system. Oh God! What if his idol never worked with the museum again! The closest he could come to her was through that one masterpiece that he'd spent six months to acquire! It was as if someone had told him that Miss Goldenweek was dea-

"Your passion is thrilling, Galdino."

The high, yet smooth, slightly child-like voice that had sent cold chills over his body for weeks was right behind him. Strong, slender fingers were massaging his back as Robin located his inhaler in the top pocket of his shirt and placed it to his lips.

"I haven't had any other artist pursue or defend me with such vigor before. I am so glad I chose your museum and art gallery to display my collection."

Galdino squeezed his eyes shut as the bitter taste of medication hit the back of his throat. The fingers were painting on his back, painting away the stress and frustration like washes of green and yellow - rain-dimpled spring meadows of daisies and dandelions. He straightened up and turned to the object of his devotion ( _affection, love, blind allegiance_ ).

The young, petite lady in the pleasing pastel sundress did not smile with her mouth - that was wasted effort. Her lustrous brown eyes, however, were dancing and laughing; reflecting the sunlight streaming through the broken window and burning his heart with the focused concentration of a laser.

Robin grinned, then turned to negotiate repairs and payment.

[~~~]

* * *

 **  
_Author says:_   
**

Mr. 3 & an older Miss Goldenweek = :3 :3 :3

I'll try to stop writing romance - bloody unlikely, but I'll try. XD


	12. Little Shop of New World Horrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm out of sync - my writing's not flowing and it's turning too dark.
> 
> Doflamingo! Audrey II! Get. Out!
> 
> This is for you, JFlower - I couldn't manage a whole lot of Disney songs matched up to Shichibukai (read: more than one) but the sadistic bird boy and the mean green one are taking up space I need in my head anyway. May be spoilers for those not past chapter 580 and includes a really random OC. Kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done to _I've Got No Strings,_ an old song from Disney's Pinocchio - the Supremes rendition _._

The large blond man in the pink feathered coat sprawled all over the sea king leather sofa, his shades reflecting all possible sources of light in the seedy dancing girl den. His subordinates and clientele traipsed past in varying degrees of sanity, sobriety, and sexual intercourse with the slave-girls, all dressed as scantily as was legally possible.

Considering that he currently lorded over the World Government's own Sengoku, the legality of many things had become quite plausible recently.

Doflamingo's ears, hidden as they were in the mass of pink frou-frou, detected a lackluster ton in the music coming from the shackled musicians on stage. He flicked his finger and the warbling, crack-throated lead singer suddenly began banging his head incessantly on the den den mushi stand, his voice becoming higher and higher pitched and damned near frantic as he repeated the motion again and again, even though the snail's shell had long been crushed and only a jagged spike where the snail holder had been stood straight up, gleaming wetly with bits of the half-dead den den mushi until there was a mushy sound - once, twice, a shaky third and fourth time - and then a barrage of feedback.

The den's watchmen grimaced as they tried to haul the dying musician's body off of the stand, blood having already splattered the fore audience, but they could not get the metal rod out of his neck without more blood gushing out in vermilion fountains. When Doflamingo's knife-like grin turned away from the milieu, the guards mercifully decapitated the slave.

The overseer quickly had the stage cleaned, sweating nervously as the wood was dyed a suspiciously darker shade of maroon. A server swiftly replaced the den den microphone as the former indentured band retreated to the back, sobbing and wailing miserably, all but clawing their eyes out.

Well, he **had** needed to reduce inventory.

A new band was hauled up from the back - it looked like a jazzy group, even with the exploding collars. Most of the corralled troubadours shuddered as Doflamingo's covered eyes cocked to a side. No sane person ever wanted his full attention.

But the lead singer, a diaphanously-covered brunette with chocolate skin smiled at him warmly.

Intriguing.

"For our most kind benefactor, we would like to present to you, all the way from the jungles of Toinga Island, where few dare tread and fewer still return; Liana Moss and her new backing band!"

There was no applause, which made one of the instrumentalist faint for all of 3 seconds.

Fortunate lad. The collars were set to go off somewhere between 5 and 7 seconds.

Doflamingo began to ponder the advantages of a far more random explosive collar ( _How cool would it be to have a slave escape and not blow up for a whole year, then suddenly in the middle of dinner with a new family - kablooey!_ ) when a husky, sultry voice strummed his aural capabilities with a lively, upbeat tempo.

 _I've got no strings_

 _To hold me down_

 _To make me fret, or make me frown_

 _I had strings_

 _But now I'm free_

 _There are no strings on me_

The voice was really quite incredible. It had a rich timbre that reminded him of that boy he once stuffed in a full whiskey barrel.

Well, moreso the whisky than the boy.

 _Hi-ho the me-ri-o_

 _That's the only way to go_

 _I want the world to know_

 _Nothing ever worries me_

The former Shichibukai turned Tenryuubito main weapon wondered if she'd say the same thing while stabbing her own mother to death. Her smile gained a strange sheen that he found - familiar.

 _I've got no strings_

 _So I have fun_

 _I'm not tied up to anyone_

 _They've got strings_

 _But you can see_

 _There are no strings on me_

The woman's legs moved in a sophisticated little two-step before she twirled in front of the den den mushi, her arms wide open, exposing everything her mother had brought her into the world with save for what was covered with strategically placed white ostrich feathers. A thin golden eyebrow rose above the shades, followed by a sly quirk of his lips.

A slave girl screeched as she suddenly found herself dancing onto the stage, still covered in - quite frankly, he wasn't in the mood to know. Her nasally voice sputtered out the unfamiliar words of the song.

 _You have no strings_

 _Your arms is free_

 _To love me by the Zuider Zee_

 _Ya, ya, ya_

 _If you would woo_

 _I'd bust my strings for you_

Liana cuddled the woman close, causing more than a few men to have bloody noses. Even the slave girl in question was no longer afraid as Liana kissed her wrists then spun her into a corner where the poor dear could take a a quiet nap.

Doflamingo's eyes twitched under the shades as the shadows in the corner lengthened.

A suave lord of some two-bit place, drunk out of his skull, sashayed behind the lush, leashed songbird, utterly forgetting the dangers of her collar as he drawled another stanza, out of tune.

 _You've got no strings_

 _Comme ci, comme ca_

 _Your savoire-faire is ooh la la!_

 _I've got strings_

 _But entre nous_

 _I'd cut my strings for you_

Liana smiled and made a grand show of kissing the princeling deeply. The man was obviously overwhelmed by her sexuality - he keeled right over, both hands over his lower face, his voice gurgling between his fingers

Doflamingo's nose twitched as a tangy, rust-like smell pervaded the air.

He grinned - long and lean and lethal like a sickle - before snapping his fingers, which caused Liana to suddenly twirl right into his lap. His baritone was a little scratchy, but otherwise none the worse for wear as he took up the song.

 _Down where the Volga flows_

 _There's a Russian rendezvous_

 _Where me and Ivan go_

 _But I'd rather go with you, hey!_

Together, he and Liana ( _who was now thrashing a bit against the strange compulsion to hold onto the slave master-cum-whoremonger's broad shoulders_ ) began a sweeping dance around the den as he ended the song at the top of his lungs.

 _I've got no strings_

 _To hold me down_

 _To make me fret, or make me frown_

 _I had strings_

 _But now I'm free_

 _Oh, there are no strings on me_

The gathered patrons cheered wildly as the couple bowed, even if Liana looked a bit stiff. Doflamingo graciously removed her collar and threw it nonchalantly over one shoulder, utterly unruffled as the explosion tore off the face of one of his bodyguards. He led the fine brown sugar dumpling into the back of the den, right to his own private quarters. He didn't even need to tell her where to sit upon entering - one random wave of his hand and she was stripped naked on his bed in a nest of white feathers.

"So, little seedling, what is it you want, hmm? Other than some of my patrons as snacks?"

Liana grinned broadly, showing a mouth full of small, needle-sharp teeth. Her hands were strong, grasping, woody vines, and her _special_ hair resembled fuzzy black patches of fungi. Her skin was smooth but hard, nearly impenetrable, but a small scratch revealed a light green, sticky sweet sap instead of blood beneath the mahogany layer.

"Doflamingo, yes? I'm an emissary for my mother."

The plant woman snapped at the little page boy who had come in to tend to Doflamingo's usual needs; he shrieked and scurried away, missing two fingers that went down Liana's throat with an audible gulp.

"Her requests are simple really - we are starving and you are...unusually adept at the human supply trade. We'd like to make some negotiations that I think you will find quite useful in your overall schemes."

Doflamingo's sickle-grin spread even wider.

[~~~]

* * *


	13. Omake's Omake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Katzztar. Because you asked so nicely. ^_^
> 
> * * *
> 
> Based off the high school omake _, Red-Hair of Class 3 - Sea Time,_ after Red Hair-sensei leaves _._

It took Usoya every dark fiber of his being not to run the half-mile back to his old apartment when he saw all of the school's other bullies lounging in front of the doors to the institution's dilapidated ( _exterior only_ ) comp. lab.

Okay, truthfully, Usoya's dark fibers failed him abysmally and the only things stopping him from going home were Zoromichi and Sansuke; they bodily dragged him back to the entrance.

"No! No! Red Hair-sensei! Where the hell are you when I've got _don't-want-my-ass-kicked-7-ways_ disease? Help! Help!"

"Shut up and open the door before they find us!" Namie hissed venomously, slapping the hacker's hysteria away with a vicious five across his eyes ( _fingers, that is_ ).

"Ara? Are those voices I hear? Isn't this section of the school condemned?"

The bullies ( _okay, just Usoya and Namie_ ) looked like panic-stricken deer. That was definitely Principal Bon Kurei's voice.

"Shit. What a day to switch to _bokken_ instead of _katana_ ," Zoromichi groused as he withdrew the wooden swords from his belt.

"If you give me fifteen minutes and 1,000,000 yen, I could solve that for you," Robika hinted in her usual shady-ass dealing way.

"Murdering the principal is not the aim here!" Sansuke bellowed with one foot flung out to catch the weapons bully's jaw.

Before the smoking bully could instigate another battle with Zoromichi, Chopahiko and Franory grabbed them by their collars and threw them into the black opening behind the now unlocked doors. Everyone else swiftly dived in after them and held their breath as the secret hacker of darkness bully closed 10 different locks and chains behind them. They stacked on top of each other with an ear to the miniscule crack between the doors.

"Hrm. No one here - I must be hearing things. It's those damnable 3-Sea students on my mind again; they need to stop jooo~oooking around and leave Mugiwara High School!"

There was a collective sigh of relief as the prinicipal's footsteps danced... twirled... oh hell, they just went away. Usoya, who was the unfortunate bottom pillar of support for everyone else, somehow scrabbled from the bottom of the dog pile and got to the light switch.

When all the fluorescent lights had kicked in, the bullies blinked in amazement.

The lab was huge, bigger than most of the bullies' pitiful own apartments. The yellow walls and white tile floor were sparkling clean, even behind rack after rack of den den mushis. In the middle of the room, computers and LCD monitors gleamed with nary a drop of dust on them, poised on long, partitioned tables. The four corners of the room were different from the rest of the lab; in one corner was a long counter with a small fridge and counter-top burners. Another corner contained a plush, raised, queen-sized air bed. The corner nearest to the teens contained two bookcases crammed with magazines and textbooks, while the final corner had a huge gym mat, a set of monkey bars overhead, a basketball hoop and ball, an old, convertible pool, roulette, and card table, and a yellow and black dartboard.

"Dude, this place is **super**!" Franory bawled out, actually removing his shades and handing them to Chopahiko before the monster bully and the iron man bully ran off for the basketball.

"Shit, do those burners work? And what the hell, you've got all sorts of imported foods in here!" Sansuke wailed as his butt wiggled from the now open fridge.

"...This bed is amazing...so comfy..." Zoromichi yawned, eyes already closed.

"This book is out of print. And this one. And this is a first edition _Fashion Rave,_ worth a cool 6,000,000 yen to the right bidder," Robika noted, immediately cataloging the book collection.

"Is that the one with my lingerie shot in it? I never got my poster from that!" Namie squealed, eagerly peeking over Robika's shoulder as her miniscule skirt flew up and blinded Sansuke with a quick panty shot.

"Oh my God, so friggin' awesome!" Luffyshirou wailed, using his abandoned 'Harvady' headband to wipe the tears from his eyes as he swung upside down on the monkey bars.

He and the others suddenly turned on Usoya with a vicious punch that sent him across the room.

"Why the hell didn't you tell us about this place, ha?"

"Because you're all too damn violent!" Usoya screeched as he peeled himself all the wall of his lair. "Dammit, why are you hooligans invading my space now?"

All action ( _except for Zoromichi snoring_ ) ceased. A great deal of sheepish foot-shuffling ensued.

"Uh, remember how we told Red Hair-sensei that we'd all become totally terrifically terrifying pirates?" the electric shock bully began, working a bit of her sultriness into the words. "Well, we're kinda in a pickle. See, we need rep."

Usoya's eyebrow slowly rose up.

"Rep. What kind of rep, exactly, do we need?"

"Street rep, long nose. We are bullies here, but we aren't exactly notorious," the behind-the-scenes-dealings bully added calmly.

The hacker pinched his nose bridge.

"So let me get this straight. You want me to manufacture records for us so we gain street cred?"

"Hell yeah!" Sansuke exclaimed, having retrieved cans of imported herrings in sauce.

"Hell no!" Usoya shrieked in reply, whipping out yellow and black darts that sped through the air unseen before pinning the smoking bully to the wall of the kitchenette.

The bullies blinked collectively.

"Cool," they whispered in awe as Usoya stomped over to retrieve his darts, nudging each other as his title changed to shooting bully, unbeknownst to him.

"Idiots. I _**erase**_ people's criminal records, not create them! Do you know how much frigging hassle this is? Why don't you go commit some crimes if you really want records so badly?"

The sheepish foot shuffling began anew. Usoya slapped his hands over his face.

"What now?"

"Hey, it ain't my fault that when we went to rob the bank we ended up saving Vivi's dad!" Luffyshirou snapped loudly, spinning off the monkey bars and landing on the pool table lopsidedly. "Me and Namie planned that perfectly!"

"He flew off the handle and barged in, followed by Sansuke and Zoromichi, then Franory had to hide Chopahiko's cute face so the guards would take them seriously," Robika reported while flipping through a first edition book on the history of the Ainu people.

"Given all of that, it's too much bother doing the crimes, so we're here," Zoromichi finished off as he and Franory raided the fridge for soda and beer ( _no such luck though_ ).

Usoya rubbed his temples as the smell of hot sugar billowed from a pot that Sansuke and Chopahiko had placed on one of the electric burners. He had no clue how his solitary life had been turned upside by these crazies, but there it was. Nothing to be done about it now.

"Alright, what's my payment?" he sighed theatrically. He looked at the quizzical faces and sighed again. Loudly.

"I don't do this shit for free, you know. You have to give me something in return - something rare and exotic and something I ain't ever got before!"

After much hemming, hawing, head-scratching and hands in pockets, Chopahiko came up with the first offer.

"I...uh...I could...uhm...I could letyouseemycuteface."

Usoya paused for a heartbeat. His eyes narrowed shrewdly.

"Video camera unveiling and it's a deal."

"No way!" Chopahiko yelled, ready to put a bruising on the hacker. "No-one is ever supposed to see my cute side!"

"Pics or it didn't happen!" Usoya yelped as he ducked one of the monster bully's notorious punches.

"Hey, hey, cool it Chopa, lemme add to the deal. I'll give you one of my uncle's choppers - working and all!" Franory negotiated while holding his ally back.

Usoya hid under one of the tables and countered, "Paint it yellow and we'll be square!"

"Yellow is a perverted color! What the hell is wrong with light blue, ha?" Franory snarled as he threw away the table, monitors and all. Usoya darted into the kitchenette and hid behind Sansuke and Zoromichi.

"Chill, Franory, let us handle this. Dork, we'll give you full-time bodyguard services."

"I was kinda thinking that white sword and your pops' recipe book..." came the mumbled reply, which broke off with a sudden shriek as a _bokken_ and boot split the air above his head.

"Like hell!" the smoking and weapon bullies screamed, taking off after the fleeing hacker.

"One pair of signed, used panties?"

"Over your dead body!"

"The first edition of _The History of the World Poneglyphs_?"

"I will not forgive you. No."

"That limited print, dean-signed _Harvardy_ headband?"

"Never!"

Usoya cowered in front of the door, fumbling over the ten locks when the keys dropped out of his nerveless fingers.

"Oh God! Mama, I'm sorry! I'm coming to you now!"

There was the sound of screeching brakes. Luffyshirou leaned over the quivering pile of pathos.

"Na, your mom's dead?"

Usoya snorted loudly, despite his terror.

"Yeah, since I was four. I've been tr-tr-trying to get the money up to clean up her gravesite, but the damn landlord wants a ton of back rent from when she was sick and I've still been trying to find my dad and I've got to put aside for tools and cleaning supplies and food and I've got to buy all these parts and try to auction shit instead of dealing with all this scavenged, illegal stuff and if Rob Lucchi's guys steal my money one more time..."

Hands flew out. Usoya ducked reflexively.

No contact. Odd. He was used to getting the shit beaten out of him by this point.

He cracked open an eye.

"How about some friends?" Luffyshirou asked sincerely, his short fuse completely dissipating into the brightest smile in the world. Around the study maniac, six other grins and hands reached towards the hacker to help back on his feet.

"Well...I'll- I'll hold onto that. Just as collateral, you know?" Usoya replied shyly, blushing under his darker skin before dashing off to the bed, where he'd thrown his bag earlier. After rummaging around in the knapsack, he took out his laptop and various USB keys.

"Alright! Who wants to be on Interpol's most wanted?"

[~~~]

* * *


	14. Night at the Big Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it was supposed to be 30 word prompts, then 50 word prompts, now it's just a random poke in the dark. Hope you enjoy it, scarlet - thanks for the artwork!
> 
> Alvida x Cabaji - sorta.

They had left him. Buggy. They'd left the only captain he had known, one whose ship and lifestyle and costume and bloody well _nose_ had fit to a tee.

All for a woman. That woman. That damnably beautiful, reasonable, logical, vengeful, slick-talking woman.

Slick all over. Everywhere. Frictionless, especially when wet.

Oh _hell,_ not that thought again. It was what led him to this great sin in the first place. That wet, frictionless heat that had made him rabid, worse than Mohji and Richie, an animal of the basest sort as he fought to hold her strong, writhing, grinding body down with a snarl across his face and _just finish them off!_

Cabaji rolled out of his bunk, grace unhindered by his fifth bottle of rum for the week. He drank one bottle a day, even now, more than three months after they left Buggy to his fate in that horrible hell-hole they called a prison, more than who knows how long since they last saw Buggy alive at Marineford, fighting _with_ that obnoxiously strong Luffy kid, of all people. Even now, he kept trying to drown the sin of abandonment, of saving his own skin, of wanting to stay alive.

Stay with her. In her. For her.

Rolling only slightly, he made his way to the captain's quarters with his heart heavy and his eyes sharp, his sword keen and bright in the dark. He had to find a way to stick a pin in the insidious worm in his traitorous heart. He had to find the slippery worm and pin it in place, dissect it and discard of it so he could be who he once was, Buggy's first mate.

Not Alvida's mate.

He didn't need to worry that the door was locked; it never was at this time. His raised his foot and kicked the door in, causing it to ricochet off of the wall and bounce close behind him. He was panting, adrenaline slamming his body so hard, so tight, stretching him so thin he thought his anger would burst through before he could even speak.

"You are a witch," he hissed at the dark, tantalizingly, half-dressed succubus stretched out on the bed.

"Am I?" Alvida answered coyly, now rolling up to look at him, his dark, green-tinted hair sweaty and damp and falling into his left eye. He shook it impatiently.

"You made me leave him!" he spat out. "You made me leave Buggy behind!"

Alvida sat and observed the acrobatic pirate, her skin pale and luminescent in the middle of the shadows crowding the room. The light dusting of pink flushing her cheeks was the only hint of her anger.

He wanted her to feel _more_. He wanted her face to be red.

He took a swig of the rum in his bottle then threw it just to the side of her head. She didn't even move as it shattered behind her. A shard flew past her left cheek and a thin ribbon of red followed.

He was on her before the blood could flow, teeth and hot, scorching, _burning_ tongue on her face, her neck, her ears, her bre-

Yes. Yes, now her face was a fetching shade of red.

"Why?" he asked suddenly, quietly. Alvida frowned. This was not part of their normal act.

"Why?" he asked again as he stood up and stepped back, slipping his vest and pants off before rejoining her on the bed.

"Why?" he asked once more as he took his time removing her translucent red nightdress - ever the sign of the temptress, the seductress, the devil.

"Because I had something to protect."

He watched and watched and there, there it was. Her dark eyes shone with that strange light and all he could see reflected in them was himself. Her hand tentatively rose up and drew one smooth nail over the shaved stripes in his hair. He shuddered, harder, the answer crushing him. And then he slipped, slipped and fell down, headfirst into her secret.

Love is not frictionless, but Cabaji decided the next day that being Alvida's mate was indeed greater than being Buggy's first mate. The rum supplies were depleted at a far more reasonable pace.

[~~~]

In the New World, surrounded by hardened, gullible, criminals, Buggy read the message silently to himself.

"Forgive us, Buggy. He would have thrown away his life for you but I wanted him more than Capt. John's treasure."

Chuckling, Buggy gave the message bird a ring from his latest raid - green like his first mate's hair, smooth and ivory like her skin.

Bastard did always have good luck with the ladies.

* * *


	15. Love Ain't A Flesh Wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I like KoRn. I like Law. I like Perona. Celebrate my new, budding crack OTP with me as I respond to The Sacred and Profane's latest prompt: **Any character/pairing with five drabbles based off of the first song you think of.**
> 
> Ok, I cheated - 1 song, 6 drabbles, 60 words each. Set in my own Endgame universe - watch for hints of the future ;-P

**Make Me Bad:**

 _  
**I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation.**   
_

_  
**There's so much shit around me.**   
_

_  
**Such a lack of compassion.**   
_

Perona watched as Law's back rose and fell laboriously. She was completely out of the battlezone now, due to no small effort on the Dark Doctor's part.

He had saved her, again. As before, she was without feeling. Cold. Numb. Frozen. Shocked.

No one else gave a damn, mired as they were in war once again.

[~~~]

 _  
**I thought it would be fun and games (would be**   
_

_  
**fun and games).**   
_

_  
**Instead it's all the same (it's all the same).**   
_

_  
**I want something to do.**   
_

_  
**Need to feel the sickness in you.**   
_

Dancing was a _fun_ way to pass the time until he rescued her and proved that he loved her as much as she loved him.

In one of Shabondy's shadiest dens, his face was impassive as he bought her after her rousing _can-can_ act.

No _Room Scramble_ for her sake. Damn him. Didn't he care?

[~~~]

 _  
**I feel the reason as it's leaving me, no, not**   
_

_  
**again.**   
_

_  
**Its quite deceiving as I'm feeling the flesh make**   
_

_  
**me bad.**   
_

She had _fucking_ well **danced** for them - a dance that no lout on the Line deserved to see other than him! That _**harlot**_!

Her wide eyes expanded ridiculously as he threw her chained body through the door of his cabin, onto his bed.

"Miss Perona, I will _**make**_ you listen to me," Law growled, hard against his own will.

[~~~]

 _  
**All I wanna do is look for you,**   
_

_  
**I need my fix, you need it too.**   
_

_  
**Just to get some sort of attention, attention.**   
_

It was the way he bit the back of her neck and held her down and filled her to the brim with heat and need and endless pleasure that made her scream like a banshee as he came to her _(and in her)_ , ready to fight then fuck then fight again.

His boots thumped loudly outside. She twitched expectantly.

[~~~]

 _  
**What does it mean to you?**   
_

_  
**For me its something I just do.**   
_

_  
**I want something to do.**   
_

_  
**I need to feel the sickness in you.**   
_

Law marveled at the tiny stitches in the pale-grey felt doll that looked just like her - wide button eyes, pink yarn hair, and anatomically correct _access areas._

He really hoped the wire ring on the doll's finger was intentional.

' _I think I just may murder her and finally examine that sick, twisted brain,'_ Law mused wryly.

[~~~]

 _  
**I feel the reason as it's leaving me, no, not**   
_

_  
**again.**   
_

_  
**Its quite deceiving as I'm feeling the flesh make**   
_

_  
**me bad.**   
_

He couldn't sink deep enough.

 _He was in too deep._

He couldn't stop himself.

 _Unless she wanted him to._

She drove him crazy, chirping loudly as she dragged him through the ruined hospital, skirts and petticoats far too short for her own good.

He smirked as he smashed her against the wall and lost himself in her again.

[~~~]

* * *


	16. Fairies and Love are Hardy like Thistle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Pair one of the supernovas with one of the high-ranking agents of Baroque Works. Describe how they meet, the development of their relationship in 1000 words or less. May be AU.

"You're wetting my thistle, you know."

Eustass Kidd almost pissed on his own boots in shock - thankfully he hadn't dropped the hem of his kilt from the tight grip of his teeth. Looking around wildly, his stream dried up abruptly, paining his bladder rather badly. Finally he caught a glimpse of a child-like figure behind him - the long, auburn hair and piping voice seemed to indicate that it was a female.

"Aim a bit to the right, please. Thistle isn't **that** hardy."

The red-headed man frowned but complied silently, shuffling his feet to the right before he warily began again.

"Sorry, lassie. 'M a mite full this mornin' - weren't watchin' where I was goin', so ta speak," the Butcher of Berwickshire replied gruffly. He'd taken in quite a lot of whiskey last night, along with his comrade, the Killer of Kirkcaldy, and his nemesis, Law, the London Legend.

"It's a'right," the lass answered, seemingly uncaring about the noisy rivulet splashing behind her. "I have a lovely tea here that is good for hangovers. You can join me after your ablutions in the river."

"Join ye, lassie?" Kidd began, snorting derisively as he shook himself dry. "'M not inclined ta bandy 'round with children half ma age- Oi! Whattin the name of Mary 'r ye drawing?"

The well-known murderer had turned around to find himself face-to-face with a sketch of himself as he had been not five minutes earlier - bare, pale chest glistening with morning dew; his tackle and bait at half-mast in his hands; fully exposed as his teeth raised his black and gold kilt; his bourbon eyes a thin glimmer under sleep-ladened lids.

"For yer information, I'm hardly a lass - I'm fairly certain that I'm significantly older than ye 'r, _lad._ " the young figure - why couldn't he catch a full glance of her? - piped somewhat tartly. "Now, why don't you take a quick dip in the river and come back. I'll keep your clothes warm for you, then we can have a nice little picnic of scones with butter and jam. And some piping hot tea, of course."

Unusually docile, Kidd stripped behind a nearby birch and threw his clothes in her general direction, then stamped noisily into the cold, mountain stream. His loud splashing and cursing brought a small, cheeky smile to her pale face. She plumped up one of the large toadstools that grew in a ring around the mound of grass she had spread her blanket on, then primly sat in front of her painting, tracing over his face with one tiny finger.

[~~~]

Somehow, Kidd managed the rare and incredible feat of not killing "the little lassie" - as he insisted on refering to her - for a full year and a half, visiting her woods often over that time, always for a breakfast of scones and tea after a night of strong drinking. She had an art to waking him that left him feeling refreshed and her sparkling brown eyes captivated him as much as her paintings - almost always of him, half-naked. Every time that he was forced to leave her, she found a handful of thistle-flowers to sprinkle in his knapsack, such that his colleagues soon noticed.

"'S that thistle I smell, me friend?" Luffy drawled in his Irish brogue, moments before he crushed a fellow's skull with his bare hands. "Now t'ain't **that** a mighty odd smell fer a mercenary?"

"No mor'n the orange stench yer wench lines yer case with," Kidd grumbled, suddenly on the defensive even as his dagger ripped a man's throat open. "'S no concern of yers anyway."

Luffy turned to observe his good friend closely as their sheer prowess caused their enemies to flee the battlefield. There was an uncharacteristically sharp smirk on his typically open, guileless face.

"I see. My fine friend, you've gotten yourself yoked by one of the Fair Folk, haven't you? Any day now, she'll show you her mound."

"Luffy, yer making no damned sense, man. I've already seen her mound - t'ain't nothin' but grass and fungi. She ain't no danger ta me." Kidd growled, his muscles bunching in his shoulders. He was insulted by Luffy, of all people, showing concern. He needed to see her again, **tonight** , or he might not calm down without killing a few people.

Luffy called out after the red-head as the Butcher stomped off to the laird to collect his pay.

"T'isn't _that_ mound I'm talkin' 'bout, me bucko!"

[~~~]

The stars wheeled over his head in a vast curtain as he approached her, kneeling in her ring of toadstools. She was naked - her soft, glowing skin glammered him as surely as a hedge-witch's curse.

"Eustass," she breathed, her breath sweet and heavy in the summer air. "Might'nt I see ye - in yer real form."

She knew. Somehow, that did not surprise him, having long mulled over Luffy's words. He stripped, kilt and cape and boots trailing away from him as he changed shape and stepped into her boundaries.

The small figure stood up and turned to regard the red-furred werewolf that towered over her, slathering uncontrollably as her long-hidden curves were finally revealed to his hungry eyes.

"Yer name, my fine lassie?" he growled as he gathered her in his arms.

"Golden Week," she gasped aloud. They did not speak for sometime afterwards.

[~~~]

He did not see her again for a long while - indeed, the hangman found him first. In the crowd, he spied an auburn lass holding a ginger pup. He died, smiling, with his kilt in his teeth.

[~~~]

"They say they still haunt this glade," a young McKidd told his blushing, pale bride.

"Oh really? Then let's eat here, amid these pretty mushrooms," the petite, auburn woman answered.

[~~~]

* * *


	17. Thistle Never Really Dies, Though

The execution yard of the treacherous laird was as dark as death when a number of shadows slipped eerily over ( _or through_ ) the walls of the castle. Despite the deep quiet of the night, the tired, bone-chilling creak of the hangman's noose, heavy with its load, could be heard far and away.

"Is this tha one what's I's ta announce?" came a sibilant murmur.

"Aye, lass. Let us give tha buggerin' Scottish sow tha much at leas' - fer Goldie's sake, iffin' naan else."

"Then we can broach da whiskey, me buckos!"

"Oi, ya ogious eejit, hal' yer tongue!"

"Bumpkins, all th' lot o' ye. Lessus star' dahlin', while yer voice is good."

"Long-nosed heathen. Yer glammerin' 's what's better be good!"

[~~~]

In his bed, Laird- Lord Sengoku tossed and turned as the wind suddenly turned for the worse, leaving a horrid wailing in its wake. It was followed by the caterwauling of every feline in the region.

"Bloody heathen Irish and Scots and Welsh and Celts of all kind! Should have drowned the lot of them from here to France - even Germany!" the poor British fellow grumbled as he mashed his down-filled pillow. He would never admit to the deep dread that filled his veins and let them running with water colder than any in the Highlands. Indeed, he made it a point to dismiss the ignorant washmaid who'd begged him to bury the criminal's body before it attracted banshees or other Fair Folk.

"Banshees. Abso- argh, this bed is made of stones! Banshees - absolutely hogwash and trollop..."

[~~~]

"Tha wert bee-yo-ta-ful, ma lassie!" Ussop the brownie crowed to Perona and her ghastly choir of baby ghosts. She was barely able to avoid a poke in the ear from his long wooden nose as he bussed her on the cheek noisily.

"Twere righ' sweet, me dear," Luffy snuffled as he planted a slobbery kiss on the other cheek. Being the bastard descendant of a giant, the young man almost swallowed her whole in the process. His lamia wife and half-brother-in-law swiftly came to the banshee's rescue.

"Luffy, ya ogious eejit, _no la come_!" Sanji roared, one duck foot propped against the half-breed's lips. The beautiful blond lamia and his ginger-headed half-sister had been driven on board the Spanish Armada's fleet " _for luck."_ After promptly sinking the whole lot of ships, they had settled down quite well in Ireland, tending a small bakery and a hidden grove of magical orange trees. Despite the century or so spent in the Green Isle, they still slipped into their native tongue.

"Luffy, ya' right soddin' clod, _damela!_ " Nami added as she pulled on Perona's - well, non-corporeal bottom half. It finally took a antlered prod in the bowels from young Chopper, the mute hart-changeling, to get Luffy to cough her up.

"Law, is this really why we are always in _les iles Britanniques_? These idiots?"

"Roronoa!" Luffy screeched happily as he crushed the French, green-haired _sidhe_ in a bear-hug, utterly impervious to the three great swords stabbing at his side. Sanji grinned devilishly at his half-brother's woes, which only led to another epic battle between the two fey males.

"It's the whiskey, dear fellow," the London Legend quipped as he polished his fangs. "The Jameson's too good to give up, I'm afraid. Hullo, Perona darling. You look good enough to eat."

"Now, now, Law, didn't you have enough from that fresh, young mullet behind the cathedral?" Robin inquired as she slipped from the heart of the shadow patch. The blind _white woman_ of Wickham was dressed in all black, as always, but she was leading a very strange fellow.

" _Ja, abend_!" the blue-furred troll began, a large barrel over his shoulder. "We are late, _es tut mir leid_ , but we had to stop _fur ein_ fellow in Scotland."

As the troll lowered the barrel, it began to jig noisily until the Killer of Kirkcaldy, a masked ghoul that had killed some army or two in a past life, materialized from a discarded sword and sliced the barrel's top fifth off.

"Ach aye, me laddies!" a skeletal, dank, dripping horse's head, decorated by a glorious black mane and a worn top hat, raised itself over the edge, eye-sockets blank save for a deep green fire in the centers. "I ken da tha laird 'as finally caught our man there! 'S true? Da good wolf Kidd's kicked the bucket a' las'?"

"Woan know 'fore tha' Witchin' 'Our," the Killer muttered bleakly as he saluted his comrade.

"'Till then, me and Choppa' 'ere 'r glammerin' ta break tha laird's back 'til it looks like tha ston'-yard," Ussop explained patiently as he and Chopper stepped a bit viciously on the many cracks in the yard's cobblestones. "Wan' ta join tha dance, me fellows?"

"Aye, 'n broach the Jameson while we're at it!" Luffy crowed, already broaching a barrel - one of several- from the cart that he had hauled to the castle. "Ace's gon' lookin' fer da bride-ta-be, so he said we'd betta sta' widdout him!"

The Fair and Foul Folk looked at each other in silent query until they heard an enormous splash.

"Luffy, _idiota_ , wha' 'as ye don'?" Sanji shrieked as they observed the creaking gallows.

"I've only given tha sod 'is right libations, now 'aven' I?" Luffy argued in reply. No longer under the effect of Nami's weirds, the bastard stood at his nigh-gargantuan height, a barrel of fine whiskey up-turned in one fist. From a suddenly growing, bobbing light came the piping voice of a young, fair-headed pixie.

"Oh, Luffy!" Kaya squealed as she returned to perch on Ussop's broom-handle nose. "Tha libation 's poured on the ground, na' o' tha corpse!"

"Wha'? Look a' 'im, tha' eejit's righ' proud!" Luffy countered defensively.

Kaya's light showed Kidd in ghastly relief as she grew to an appropriate size on her husband's nose. Despite the grisly coloration and pose of his body, rigor mortis having long set in, the demonic Scottish werewolf still had a horrific, fanged grimace of a grin on his face, and his kilt was in his teeth.

" _Madre del Rey_ , at leas' ah kna' why Goldie fell fer 'im," Nami whispered to Robin. The two women giggled naughtily as the men pouted.

"Well, iffin' ye mus' know, 'twas a **large** par' i' twere."

The gathered magical beings turned as a large shape crashed from the trees and stepped neatly over the wall. Ace, another bastard giant, sired by Luffy's uncle, grinned jauntily as he held Golden Week in one hand and her wolfish son, Gavin McKidd, in the next.

"Roronoa! Sanji! Tha fa'r 's said 'e woan b' comin'!" Ace roared loudly, a noise that set Kaya and Nami to weird-chanting to keep the laird asleep. "Th' bastar' Shanks' go' ah new'un what's kept 'im an' Maki righ' busy, this Benn-lad does!"

"Mor' whiskey fer us!" the two cheered noisily, banging their own barrels together.

"Trust this hairy oaf to fall for a still fairy," Law muttered with a shake of his head. With a flourish of his hands, the vampire started a flame from a pile of trash in the middle of the yard.

"Ladies, ghouls, and gentlemen," he began in his rich timbre as Chopper fed the fire with large pieces of the gallows that Killer broke up around Kidd's dangling body. "It is now five minutes until the Witching Hour. As one of the oldest here, I think I can safely say that the festivities may now begin!"

Silence descended on the knacker-yard like a hammer. The fire sputtered, then suddenly went out.

[~~~]

As the village's church clock struck the first gong for midnight, windows everywhere began to close noisily. In the knacker-yard, a bitter, stench-filled wind befouled the land. Lord Sengoku fell into an uncannily deep sleep as Ace and Luffy hissed their alcohol-tainted breaths into his quarters.

By the second gong, the fire had come raging back to life.

By the third gong, Usopp, Nami, Kaya and Robin had begun an oddly resonant chanting, around the fire.

By the fourth gong, Sanji and Roronoa had begun a complex jig on opposite sides of the bonfire.

By the fifth gong, Luffy and Ace began a rhythmic stamping and clapping.

By the sixth gong, Kidd farted.

"Well, 'tis workin' a'right," Golden Week murmured as she walked to the corpse, Gavin sleeping in her arms.

By the seventh gong, Kidd began groaning.

By the eighth gong, his claws had grown out.

By the ninth gong, he was able to curse again.

"G' th' sthoddin' rope off'r mae, ye whor'son bastards!"

By the tenth gong, the wolf's skin had fully regenerated over the horrible rope burn in his neck.

By the eleventh gong, the sheer size of his neck sundered the noose.

By the twelfth gong, an unholy howl tore through the skies as Eustass Kidd sat back on his haunches, his woman and cub sheltering in his arms as a wailing storm broke open and the mystical folk from all across Western Europe began to cheer.

"What a'right shittin' partae this is fer ah groom," Kidd whined while Golden Week scratched behind his ear. "Now, who's was it what try ta drown mae in whiskey? Ah plan ta kiss tha bugger."

[~~~]

* * *


	18. Death's Red Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Create a story or poem inspired by a line in a David Lehman poem: "Death was last seen in the auction room, looking worried."

This was not supposed to happen.

The auction-house on the wharf of the small colony was full to capacity as the Atlantic-crossing ships pulled into the harbour ( _downwind of the town_ ) and discharged their gruesome cargo of lost lives. Newly harvested African slaves wailed grievously as they finally began to fathom that the hell in the holds of the ships they had just escaped were only a precursor of their eternal damnation. Indian labourers and their wives screamed and tried to re-board their vessels from Calcutta even as bands of rough-boys drove them back into the auction-pit with heavy sticks. Condemned European prisoners from across the Northern continent screeched in horrid agony as their status, sins and sentences were permanently branded onto their skin. Impoverished Chinese servants wilted under the murderous heat, the dead air and the stench of the slave market proving to be too oppressive, too overwhelming; completely overpowering. Captains and merchants bawled and cursed as they bandied humans for sugar, babies for rum, virgins for weapons. Pick-pockets grew fat, whores tucked away gold and silver in rotten knickerbocker linens, and press-gangs set to work in the shadows.

No, Death was not pleased at all. This place, this...this chaos that represented the domain of Governor Doflamingo, was **far** too close in resemblance to the ante-room of Hell to be coincidental. In fact, it was downright worrisome. He _hated_ when demons got loose on Earth; they always created far too much work for him to keep up with. The devil himself strutted through the market with his own European indentured servants at his back, his hands not visible under his thick governor's coat.

Probably too busy squeezing a few hundred hearts and souls.

Death watched morosely as a one-eyed, one-armed, red-legged, red-haired and obviously part-Scottish plantation owner with an ominous moniker - Shanks - strutted through the bedlam as cool as a cucumber; his overseer, Beckmann, looked even less flustered than his employer, if that could be possible. With a cool, calculating eye, Shanks bought three young Irish boys and had their new names branded on the back of their necks - Sabot, Ace, Ruffian. He greeted his fellow slave owners cordially as they passed.

"Widow Shakky Silvers, how are ye? An' yer daughters, Tashigi an' Bonney? Why yes, Ah do believe Benn an' Ah can visit ye 'round six o'clock this even'n. New stock? This lovely ginger an' that tall China-girl? Puttin' them ta work early, aren't we?"

"Mistress Hina, Ah **am** charmed. Oh my, yes, yer man Jango does seem to have a good eye fer new flesh. He's scrawny now, but 'e shows some wiry strength in 'im. What? An incorrigible liar? Simple 'nuff case to solve - cut out 'is tongue. Ah just remembered, one o' the _barbadoes_ ships 'as a French cook on it - the man's a murderer, o' course, but if ye pair this nimble Negro with tha' cook, Ah'm sure they will keep each other in line."

"Master Whitberd, so vury good ta see you. Are ye goin' as well? Splendid, we shall 'ave a drink together. Wot? Ye'd like ta trade fer this Ace of Spades Ah just procured? Tha' might take ye a fine quantity of rum..."

"Good Sir Mihawk, vury glad to see ye 'ale and 'earty. How was yer voyage? Glad ta 'ear. Oh? New purchases? My, these are fine bullocks that ye've gotten - the green and brown ones in particular look like they could plow two fields in a day! Ah say ye geld them in a year or two, once their muscles fill out. Particularly that blue-haired one - 'e looks a might too old for good breeding with the Negresses."

"Ah, Madame Tsuru, so good to see ye! Oh dear, Brook old boy finally ran ta skin and bones, Ah see. O' course can lend ye my man - see to it, Benn. A page boy, you say? Well, I do 'ave this fine Sabot here - 'e ran like a shot out o' tha barrel when they tried to catch 'im, Ah 'ear. Though, Ah'd say ye should cut off a few toes - we don't need them _too_ frisky."

Death shuddered and promptly decided to sleep through the next few centuries. When even the angels had to choose between the levels of cruelty , it was far better to work on auto-pilot.

The dark, wet eyes of Shanks' third acquisition tracked the supernatural entity as he drifted away.

[~~~]

Death only went to sleep for a decade. His dreams were interrupted by a summons - first a tad bit needling, but hardly insistent. Gradually the sound of the screaming ( _eh?_ ) grew to be too much.

He came in on a scene straight from his last dinner party in Hades. People ran screaming everywhere as cannon fire blew chunks out of buildings, roads, and humans. Blood ran down the cobbled streets in rivulets, only to be lapped up by the torturously dried and burnt soil. Flames engulfed the city, no, the entire land mass, and overshadowing everything was a manic sort of mirth, a high, hysterical laughter that rose over the screaming in heinous cackles before being cut off mid-chuckle.

Doflamingo's head rolled to Death's feet. The entity looked up slowly, following the bloody trail that meandered on the market's dirt floor up to the dark, luminous eyes of Shanks' former slave, Ruffian. He was surrounded on each side and at his feet by a number of former slaves: the Three Bull Brothers, Zoro, Franky, and Choppa; the Boudoir Mistresses, Robin and Nami; mute Pinocchio, the Shotter, and the French chef, Sans Noir-jambe.

All of them could see him. All of them smiled at him; gentle, happy, open smiles of the recently-freed.

All of them were practically dialing his number, begging for a take out order.

"Hullo, Mista' Death. Ah sorry enuff dat ah had tuh wake yuh," the soon-to-be-dead new Governor of the colony, Ruffian the Monkey began, "But we had 'nuff ' _ **nuff**_ wuk tuh do. Shanks tol' me dat ah shoul' try tuh keep yuh abreas' on evuhting from now on."

Death slid his hood off and cursed his grandson under his breath. The damn fire-headed idiot had his mother's tendency to foist work on the emaciated blond mummy.

" **If we're going to be speaking, you may as well call me Yorki. What did my imbecilic grandson do this time? I will never understand why Brook let that moronic pirate and his crew through the gates up there...** "

[~~~]


	19. Freshmen to Senior Citizens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Sorakage-sama - Welcome to Grand Line University! Some scenes, in no particular order, from this college AU.

**Literary:**

"Are you ready to check those books out?" Mrs. Olvia Nico asked, peering down from on high at the undersized child in a swimmingly large, pink hat. He barely reached her chin, but he had an impressive pile of books stacked on the ground next to him.

"Yes, please!" Tony cried cheerfully, stretching on his tiptoes to hand his treasured library card to the gothic beauty towering over him.

"Let's see what we have today - _Ancient Grecian Sculptures_ ; _The Great Achievements of the Renaissance - Art and Medicine_ ; _The Kama Sutra-_ "

Mrs. Nico paused. This was a book that most college kids tried to sneak out, not genius middle-schoolers-cum-freshmen whelps. The next title gave her even more reason to pause.

" _The Perfumed Garden..._ Tony Chopper, what _**exactly**_ are you intending to study with these books?"

"Anatomy! Dr. Kureha says these are the best references in town!" Tony chirped excitedly.

Mrs. Nico resisted the urge to smack her own forehead and turned to dial Dr. Kureha's number.

Again.

[~~~]

 **Music:**

Bentham almost dropped out of the top of the bunk bed when he first heard his roommate's new wake up alarm. He had hated the red-haired, foul-mouthed, freaky-faced punk rocker wanna-be from the minute they met, but all of that disappeared when the metal-head's cellphone began blaring.

 _Rah, rah, uh uh uh,_

 _Roma, Ro ma-ma,_

 _Gaga, oh la la_

 _Want your bad romance_

"Oh my god, Kidd, Kidd, Kidd, where the hell did you get that, haa~? Stop jo~oking around, I need that ringtone _right now_ , dammit, it's Gaga! I'm gaga for Gaga and since when did _you_ start listening to her, you boring suburban runaway- _ **mmmph**_!"

Bentham would learn - in grand detail and with Prismacolor diagrams to boot - that those are **not** the words to use on a man of dubious sexual preference and even more questionable moral upbringing when you climb into his bed - **right** over his lap - at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

"Must. Buy. **Sound-canceling headphones** ," Law grumbled as the rhythmic banging on the floor above stirred the pre-med from his afternoon nap.

Again.

[~~~]

 **Dance:**

Usopp woke up, smacked his lips, then turned to look at the screaming alarm clock radio.

" **We gotta go!** The English exam is in 7 minutes!"

A bird outside chirped briefly, then flew away as the roof of the dorm house was lifted off by a monstrous cry.

" **E~eeh?** "

To anyone who was not a regular visitor of the dorm, the ensuing chaos would have seemed apocalyptic, but as the frantic young men bobbed and reeled around each other and the furniture, everyone in sync as they each got ready at record speed...

Well, all of life's movements have the same tint of desperate chaos; hurtling carelessly, so close and yet so far from danger...

But, of course, life didn't have to take _The English Exam from the Bowels of the Necronomicon_ for $500 a credit, so Usopp decided that he really should just lock the door and catch up with the others for the sprint halfway across campus.

[~~~]

 **Interesting:**

He was actually doing it.

Robin Nico stared outside her dorm in stark amazement as Franky Cuttiflam paraded his post-grad project - a soda-powered, battery-equipped sports car - around the school's gigantic roundabout/flower garden.

Naked as the day he was born.

 _I'm too sexy for my shirt,_

 _Too sexy for my shirt,_

For an 'old man' - she refused to ignore the six year difference in their ages - Franky was quite well-built, as well as incredibly knowledgeable when it came to mechanical engineering.

He was also short of a few screws.

Most students figured that out firsthand; whereas Dr. Iceburg would stress the laws and regulations that also went with the profession, his T.A., Franky, tended to grade based on if it ran. He cared squat about any previous failures.

Plus he had blue hair, wore no more than a pair of Speedos and a Hawaiian shirt, and had enough piercings to set off airport scanners at 20 yards, including a really intriguing Prince Albert...

 _So sexy it hurts~!_

Robin hit the speed dial on her phone without even tearing her eyes away.

"Hello? I believe I owe you a date, Mr. Cuttiflam."

[~~~]

 **Shroud:**

Tony approached the table with trepidation. This was his first time observing an autopsy, and only so much reading could prepare him for the actual experience of a real dead body.

The young genius observed the stillness of the sheet - the absolute _lack_ of motion - and shivered violently. He had never observed such unnerving stillness. Everything about it was so unnatural that he could not help the trembling in his knees.

' _No! Stop it, Tony Chopper! You are almost 16 years-old now, you're already in college, there is **no** need to encourage these stupid fears! **You** wanted to be a doctor; now get in there!"_

Whereupon the sheet covering the corpse billowed up and attacked the teen.

"Zombies!" Tony shrieked, his voice cracking and hitching as the fabric descended on him. Not content to die without a fight, the medical prodigy began kicking and flailing and biting blindly, not even stopping to see if any of his attacks landed.

"Ohoho- ow! Yohoho- ouch! Nonono- _hogee_!"

"What in hell is going on here?" Dr. Kureha growled as she entered. "Tony, get from under that sheet and Brook, I thought I told you to stop sneaking in here for naps!

[~~~]

 **Dust:**

Luffy held on to the small urn that contained Ace's remains, once more thankful that Usopp, Zoro, and Sanji had been the ones to take care of the funeral. He wanted to remember the Ace that ate too much, never picked up the tab, and fell asleep watching kung-fu movies.

He wanted to keep Ace's last smile in his head forever.

"The orphanage was a mess, man," Luffy found himself saying. "I don't think old man Garp has stopped crying yet."

' _That old fart would cry at graduation...'_

"Yeah, you are _so_ right, bro," Luffy replied, stroking the urn slightly. He turned his fingers upwards and contemplated the glistening specks on the tips.

His memories of Ace could never be reduced to mere atoms.

[~~~]

 **Ages:**

Shanks was old.

Whitebeard was older.

Tony Chopper was the youngest.

Luffy was small.

Nami was middling.

Zoro was middle-aged already.

Robin was ancient.

Sanji was new.

Brook was practically at Death's door.

Franky grew younger.

Kidd grew older.

Bentham never grew at all.

No matter their ages or stages in life, despite their constant struggles and strife, they were peppy and happy, loudly striving each and every day for their dreams.

[~~~]

 **Bones:**

"Get Chopper in here!"

Usopp groaned loudly as he shifted on the stretcher. Urouge had laid him out like dead fish with his last reception - he could barely make out day from night, his eyes were swimming so badly.

"Keep still... Look at the flash light."

"Dude, I am messed up," Usopp drawled as the room pitched and yawed. "Tell this ship to stop moving!"

Chopper and Law glanced at each other, then hustled the wide receiver to the stadium infirmary.

[~]

"Two broken ribs, one skull fracture, concussion, contusion, and a twisted ankle," Chopper summed up in clipped, precise tones. Usopp was too drugged up on Vicodin to care; there was only one thing on his mind.

"Shanks, I can't recommend that he go out there for at least three weeks. Another hit might really knock him out for the season," Law summarized as he finished wrapping the patient's ribs.

"Take him out for the season then," the coach responded swiftly, not even looking at the medics. Usopp looked up at Shanks like he wanted to cry.

"Stuff it, Long Nose. We can win the Bowl next year - I can't make you a new body. I want you to be old and gray and not hooked on painkillers for the rest of your life."

The team pretended not to hear him sobbing on Kaya's shoulders.

[~~~]

 **Personal:**

"She don't meet people."

"Why the hell not?"

"If you can find her, ask her."

Sanji stood nose to nose with Kidd, trying to figure out why his half-sister was so hard to pin down. He'd done a mass of research all over the damned campus since that night in _Baratie_. He wanted to meet that brandy-voiced woman like he wanted his next cigarette.

And her damn homicidal brother was cock-blocking.

"Che," Sanji spat out as he turned away, shrugging off Zoro's hand. He glanced at Kidd from the corner of his eye, but spat again as he realized the marimo was talking to the red-head.

The blond kicker punted a waste basket across the locker room in frustration before Shanks made him leave.

[~]

Kidd followed the blond to lunch, sliding in next to him at a small table. Sanji pretended to ignore the murderous aura.

"Who jacked up your left eye?'

Now Kidd was the one forced to avoid killing intent. The blond cocked his head to a side like a mad dog considering whether to bite once or six times before answering.

"It's personal."

The red-head nodded, like that was the right answer.

"That's the same reason why Bonney doesn't meet men."

[~]

The two seniors sat there for almost an hour before Sanji started speaking.

[~]

"Hello? Who's this?" Sanji bawled as he walked through the wind to his dorm.

"Hey there," came a soft, warm-honeyed drawl from his cellphone. "The name's Bonney. My bro's told me a lot about you..."

[~~~]

 **Mine:**

What Luffy does in his nose.

What Usopp does in the peanut butter jar.

What Zoro and Tashigi say for every new sword.

What Franky says every time he sees a new earring.

What Robin says about any archaeological journals.

Nami's shriek when she sees a penny on the ground.

Sanji's when _The GQ_ comes in the mail.

Or Bentham's when it's his _Vogue_ \- you never can tell.

Law and his scalpel set.

Chopper and his books.

Brook and his violin.

Kidd talking about Bentham.

[~~~]

 **Live:**

"Is this thing on?"

Sanji cursed as the microphone's feedback whistled through the air, nearly shattering the plate in his hand.

"Why, of all the retarded pastimes on Earth, did that crappy old geezer have to put in a _karaoke_ machine?" the sous-chef growled under his breath, his eyes darting nervously to the executive chef with the mean feet on the opposite side of the kitchen

He may be surly, but the blond sure as hell wasn't suicidal.

"Oi, mean green machine, wash these dishes for me then hit the road for the night," Sanji bawled at Zoro, who grunted nonchalantly as he hauled in the next day's supplies. The young cook rolled his neck, cricked his back, and headed into the dining room to watch whoever was making a fool of themselves singing.

The voice knocked him out before he could even open the kitchen doors. It was raw and soulful, like a straight shot of whiskey, no chaser. The voice made him clutch his heart and squeeze his eyes shut as the singer belted out the old Motown tune.

He had to meet her. Soon.

[~~~]

 **Guide:**

He had always been there to help them through the mayhem that was college life. Without him, Zoro or Sanji would be up for manslaughter, Luffy would have flunked out, and Usopp would have never beaten the plagiarism rap. Tony Chopper and Robin Nico would have never enrolled to the school. Nami would still be in juvie on the theft charge.

' _So why are we the idiots left to say goodbye?'_ Franky asked himself as he shrugged on his black jacket. There was a knock on his door.

"Car'll be here in a few," Luffy whispered shortly after Franky opened the door. "We'll meet you outside?"

The school's new quarterback looked like crap. His eyes were red and he still had on bandages from the drunk-driving accident that claimed his big brother's life.

His eyes were still haunted by the sight of Ace pushing him out of the pedestrian cross walk.

Franky didn't want the kid to be alone.

"Hold on, Luff. Lemme just grab my wallet."

The R.A. grabbed his gear from the table near the couch and slipped out of the door. Luffy barely even nodded.

Franky held his shoulder, helped him to the living room, and then through the rest of school.

[~~~]

 **Legend:**

That man was the best QB the school had ever had. Shanks and his team had pulled Victory from the jaws of Defeat so many times that Victory had him on speed-dial and Defeat had lock-jaw. For the past decade he'd been forced to sit and watch the football team from the stands, gritting his teeth as each year, another abysmal season came to an end.

"You're getting old waiting, Red-Hair," his former roomie and center 'Big Ben' Beckmann told him one night at Makino's bar. "Either get in the game or take your balls and go home."

'Big Ben' always knew what to say. Within 6 months, Shanks had moved into his new position as Head Coach of the Grand Line Emperors. By the start of the new school year, he'd already selected his team.

"Shanks, these guys are scrubs," Whitebeard, dean of athletics complained when he marched out to the first practice session. "If they don't look weak as all hell, they look dumber than a jughead in mud."

Shanks only dropped an eyelid like the damned pirate he was, then blew the whistle.

"Ok guys, let's get a practice game going. Luffy! I want you QB the red team - Usopp, Zoro, Sanji, and you guys out there. Kidd! You work on black team - Killer, Urouge, Apoo and the rest. Good, clean work now, boys! Let's go!"

Within 15 minutes of watching Luffy and Kidd play with their respective teams, Whitebeard had run off to pound the phones for more donors.

"I tell you, new stars - no, supernovas! - are being born right here!" he would shout at alumni for the next four years.

[~~~]

 **Eternal:**

"Are you sure we can't get you to sign at Shabondy Central U.?" the red-nosed, waxy-haired recruiter asked plaintively. "I mean, we have _everything -_ great dorms, excellent medical care - we'll look after your parents for you! Our courses are hardly any challenge at all - uh, I mean - you'll find yourselves rising to the challenge! We've got good ins with all sorts of NFL coaches and agents - we can even turn you pro by sophomore year! Come on, you guys, work with me and Coach Buggy!"

Usopp, Luffy, Zoro and Sanji ( _in that order_ ) sat dispassionately at the table, still half-dressed in their sweaty practice gear. Usopp was busy holding up his index fingers as Sanji 'kicked' spitballs through the 'up-rights.' Luffy was half-asleep in the chair, his finger still deep in his nose on an endless gold-mining mission. The only person bothering to look at the recruiter ( _some Mr. Galdino or something_ ) was Zoro, and he was mean-mugging the man for all his face was worth.

Galdino grew desperate and used his ultimate negotiation tools.

"Best English language program around!"

Usopp's fingers dropped.

"Best food in the cafeteria, with tons of nearby restaurants!"

Luffy snorted and woke up.

"The finest fitness program in the country!"

Zoro's scowl lessened.

"The most beautiful cheer-leading squad ever! All freshers!"

Sanji all but fell from his chair.

Galdino wriggled in glee at his imminent success, only to have his hopes sunk when Nami, Kaya, Tashigi, Bonney and Robin came out in their cheer-leading uniforms, rolling in a large cart of food fresh from _Baratie,_ with Tony and Law dragging the newest weight machine behind them.

Galdino knew it was all over when Brook, Franky, Bentham and Kidd came in wheeling a mammoth 72-inch OLED television

"Damn you, Shanks! Play fair!"

[~~~]

 **Diary:**

Luffy pulled the book from under the couch's cushions. It'd been poking him in the butt for the past few days, but today's practice with Coach Shanks was way too grueling for any sort of pokes.

"Huh, what's this?" Luffy asked out loud, getting no response from the guys playing Halo below him. "Dear diary..."

"Whoa-ho-ho!" Brook squawked as he scrambled to his feet and practically stepped on people's heads to get to Luffy. The quarterback dived over the back of the couch and kept reading.

"Today, I think Dr. Yorki made a pass at me. I really hope so, because he has such a fine- Ah! Usopp, catch!"

Brook tried to jump for the book, but the wide receiver was already flipping through the pages.

"Oh, you swinger!" Usopp crowed loudly. "Dear diary...I saw Nami's panties today from the second-floor balcony - orange cream lace thongs from V.S.! Zoro, heads up!"

The linebacker caught the book without breaking from his deathmatch.

"Dear diary, it's too cold for this crap right now."

And as Brook clawed at the green-haired footballer, Zoro threw the book into the dorm fireplace.

"My diary!"

[~~~]

 **Kneel:**

It had been her only command when he came into the dark room. Franky Cuttiflam swallowed a huge lump in his throat before sinking to his knees.

"Strip off that shirt."

Franky bit his lips to hold in his moan as he practically _tore_ off his best blue Hawaiian shirt. His breathing was getting harder; that wasn't the only thing.

"Fold your hands behind your head."

This time Franky _really_ moaned. Robin Nico's voice was doing _bad, bad_ things to him. He crossed his arms behind his head eagerly, wondering if maybe she had a pair of handcuffs...

The light came on with a startling brightness. As Franky grimaced, he could make out that there were a _lot_ of folks in the room.

None of them were Robin.

The engineering post-grad watched with horror as Brook pressed on a tape recorder and grinned maliciously.

"Happy Birthday~, diary thief," Robin cooed softly. Franky exploded and Brook ran for the hills.

"You scrawny, underfed- When I get my- **Come back here!** "

[~~~]

 **Okama:**

Sanji's screams were more than a little unmanly when he was jumped outside the college's theatre department.

"Eee~ Uhm, er, I mean- Oi asswipes! Lemme go! What the fuck is with the- **No way am I going in that-! Lemme out!** Oi, who the hell is grabbing my ass? Namikins? Robihun?"

An effeminate giggle reached the Restaurant Management student's ears through the burlap sack. His kidnappers almost dropped the bag as Sanji swooned.

"Oh Namikins! Robihun! You didn't have to kidnap me to have your wicked, wicked ways with my manly body! I'll happily provide my tender ministrations for free~! Ah~! I'm so happy I shaved last night!"

The kidnappers were flattened as Sanji jumped out of the sack pants-less, his shirt unbuttoned and his socks already off.

"Come to big papa, my babies!"

"And that," Bentham roared as the dorm residents dissolved into gales of laughter, "Is how Ivankov's Glee Club first met Sanji Blackleg, the sopra- _**Hogee!**_ "

" **Shut to hell up!** "

[~~~]

 **Past:**

Zoro laid on the bed in his nursing home, the photo album propped up on his lap.

"Tell me a story about your crazy dorm mates again, Gramps!"

The white-haired former American football star turned to smile up gently at his grand-daughter, Kuina. A fine young woman she'd turned out to be - smart as a whip, already entering his alma mater to study Archaeology with a focus on ancient weaponry.

No wonder his wife, Tashigi, had loved her so much. She was such a smart kid, Kuina was.

Zoro slowly flipped through the album as he sorted through his cluttered memories - there was so much in his head sometimes, it was a wonder he could still find the bathroom! One picture suddenly stood out from the book, making him pull his face into the trademark Roronoa smirk.

"Hey, sweetie, did I ever tell you about the time..."

[~~~]

 **Present:**

"Yo, Zo~ro~! Go high for the interception!"

Zoro sprinted in between Luffy and Usopp, his body launching itself effortlessly into the air in order to catch the pigskin that his rubber-armed QB had just let fly. He had the ups on Usopp, who changed tactics to swat at the ball.

"Oi, ease off Long Nose!"

"Like hell, you lopsided clover!"

They were both so busy fighting for the ball that they missed their opportunity to land on their feet.

"Aw shit, that tree root hurt," Zoro groaned as he rubbed the lump on his forehead. He may be thick-skinned and thick-headed, but it felt like the tree had hit him coming down!

"Probably because that tree root is a sword and my almost-ruined research project, you oaf!"

Zoro felt angry blows raining on his back as he tried to stand up. He flailed his arms until he could grab the stick that was beating him, then yanked it out of his attacker's grasp with a quick twist of his thick shoulders.

"Crazy bitch, what the hell are you hitting..me...for...?"

When Zoro opened his eyes and saw the pouting, furious, navy-haired, petite woman glaring at him with the force of a thousand daggers, about 996 of those knives hit him in the heart.

The other 4 hit him in the gut with a solid right hook.

[~~~]

 **Future:**

"Marimo, you serious about this?" Sanji asked Zoro when he went out on his cigarette break. "You sure you ready to go through with this? I mean, what if you don't make it pro? Middle linebackers are a dime a dozen this season, not like us kickers. And what if you still don't stack up in the NFL, even with your patented ugly mug? And what if-?"

"Curly-browed ero-cook, can it," Zoro chuckled as he crouched on the ground just outside the restaurant doors, swatting away the sous-chef's black work shoes. He and Sanji had been temping at the _Baratie_ since they were freshers - the only other places he knew this well were the stadium locker room and his dorm. It was the perfect, most special place he could think of to pop the question, but first he had to stop his neurotic roomie from flying off the handle.

"I've thought of all that already; I've been thinking about this since I followed her to Japan, man. I even managed to find my way back to the airport without causing a major international incident or a crime scene! We two can handle any thing any day."

Sanji remembered the calls that night - Tashigi screaming about Zoro probably being kidnapped and killed by some shady yakuza types he'd insulted the night before with his haphazard Japanese. Marimo was right. If he could survive that, marriage would be a cinch. The cook spat out his cig and ground it under his heel before kicking his porter's behind.

"Come on then, barf-hair. Let's set up for the future Mrs. Roronoa."

[~~~]


	20. Weaponry Never Stop Killing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reply to Sacred and Profane's latest challenge. Bleak, to say the least and the pairings are faint.

**Jezrail:**

Usopp climbed wearily on Chopper's back, though the young reindeer-human Zoan was not in much better shape than he was. The marines had certainly gotten them good this time, but the Pirate King's gunner and Kaya's widower would not let them take him yet.

Not yet.

The sharpshooter leaned heavily on his rifle as placed the butt on the ground, biting down on a scream as he wrapped his lips around the barrel, the string still loose in his hand.

' _See you, everyone. I'll be there soon, Kaya.'_

The Pirate King's doctor winced as the string drew taut with a bang, violating his oath to rescue them from any injury.

[~~~]

 **Katar:**

Zoro adjusted the broken blades he had tied onto the back of his nerveless hands with the scraps of his bandanna and his remaining teeth, then took a moment to close his eyes and _breathe_. Sanji took the remaining shards and developed an ad-hoc foot on his bloody stump before lighting his last crumpled smoke. The pack tumbled from his shaking hands.

They were well and royally screwed this time. Luck could only go so far, after all.

' _Damn, Pinky and Bleuette. We might be able to touch you again sooner than we thought.'_

"There he is! Roronoa's swords were shattered in the last attack and we got the blond one's leg! Let's get them this time!"

The Pirate King's first mate smirked grimly. Sanji sucked on his cigarette one last time.

"Marimo, let's go teach these shitty bastards a lesson on being cocky," the Pirate King's cook drawled, murder shining in his one remaining eye.

[~~~]

 **Toxin:**

Chopper was a doctor. He lived to heal and to save people.

Carefully, he ingested another mushroom that Nojiko had harvested for him before her end.

He had lived solely to stop the spread of contagion, disease, and plague in the general populace. He had lived to repair wounds, set bones, and otherwise repair the gift of life that nature and man often sought to destroy.

He stepped deeper into the marines' reservoir, knowing very well that his blood and weakening bowels were befouling the water horribly. Knowing very well that the mushrooms he'd ingested flourished in water and filth, spreading toxic spore everywhere within days of germinating.

Chopper lived as a doctor, but died as a epidemic, drinking in water as blue as her hair.

[~~~]


	21. Elementary, My Dears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Amethyst Turtle - this will be a randomly appearing multi-parter - it will probably show up in-between other challenges.
> 
> It's the first day of the new school year at Shabondy Elementary! Let's meet the new brats - er, kids -_-;

"All right, children," Makino Party chirped cheerfully to her new kindergarten class, "Let's begin our first day at school! My name is Miss Makino - I'm going to be your teacher for this whole first year! Before we begin, are there any questions?"

The small room full of wide-eyed children stared up at their new, emerald-haired parent-substitute. One little boy - a happy-looking lad with dark, messy hair and even darker eyes - raised his hand and began to wave it wildly.

"Yes, Luffy?"

"Do I get to eat meat and play and take naps and have adventures and hear stories and...and...and do all the other stuff I like to do at home?" the boy blurted out as quickly as possible, as if the excitement would burst through his skin if he wasn't careful.

Even with his finger digging green-tinged snot from his nose.

Miss Makino carefully withdrew a tissue from the large pocket on her apron and knelt down to clean off the infectious looking digit as she smiled and nodded.

"Why yes indeed, Luffy! We will also learn about colors and shapes and letters and numbers and whys and hows and whats. Won't that be fun?"

Luffy's eyes grew even wider and sparkled fiercely with barely-restrained glee. As she felt his little body trembling - downright _vibrating_ \- Miss Makino had a feeling that this one might have borderline ADHD.

"Cool!" he whispered, then bit his bottom lip and sat on his hands. "I'll be good, Miss Makino, I promise! Let's start, let's start, let's start...!"

She laughed at the chant, her good cheer helping her audience of kindergarteners to relax and play at louder volumes. Two black boys - one with unruly curls and a distinctive nose, the other one with close-cropped brown hair over his large head - had apparently decided to be Luffy's faithful followers throughout this new adventure. They had been two of the quietest children when they arrived that morning - no doubt due to the overwhelming sight of _so many_ children in _so many_ shapes and colors. Despite their earlier reticence, Luffy had been able to draw them out to the playground before the bell rang for the start of school, and they had followed him ever since.

Miss Makino glanced over at a tow-headed boy and his ginger-haired sister as he babbled to her in 'twin-speak.' His long, blond bangs kept falling into his blue eyes that glistened joyfully, even though his sister seemed too entranced with the toy piggy-bank to notice. The little girl looked up and happened to catch Miss Makino's eye - she gave a mischievous grin that made the young teacher want to shake her head in mirth and exasperation already. She could tell the little girl would be trouble before the week was out, and her experience told her that her twin brother was a helpless enabler when it came to the little imp's whims.

Another set of boy-girl fraternal twins - both red-heads at completely opposite ends of the color spectrum - sat quarreling with each other, each trying to chant louder than the other. The crimson-haired boy was currently losing out to the pink-haired girl, even though his eyes were screwed tight under his headband as his pale face turned red with effort. His sister had the advantage as she had somehow gained the skill of screaming from her stomach up. Miss Makino briefly contemplated mixing the two sets of twins, but she quickly concluded that the school just didn't have enough insurance to cover the resulting damage.

Across the room, another trio of fair-haired boys - two golden-hued, the other strawberry-tinted - were sitting cross-legged on the ground, all holding hands. The pudgy, pink-haired boy wore huge glasses that made Miss Makino feel a bit sorry for him - she knew that those lenses would be cracked well before the end of the year. She would need to write a note to his parents and suggest some good, sturdy plastic alternatives. His blond friends were two of the few children not smiling. The one with straight hair harshly styled into a bowl-cut was obviously setting up for a tantrum. Just as she thought she would have to go deal with him, his pink friend gave him a drool-laden kiss on the cheek, followed by a pat on the head. Somehow the combination got the larger, fairer boy to stop sniffling and instead giggle a bit. The curly flaxen-haired boy rolled his eyes as he squeezed his friend's other chubby hand - a very mature expression for such a youngster.

At any rate, the tantrum had been averted through the quick actions of the other kids. That was good - it was important that each child ended up with friends who could complement their personalities through this difficult period.

Scattered among the noticeable groups were many lonesome children who had yet to figure out whether they really wanted to meet all these new people or not. One dark-haired boy was standing in a corner with a decapitated doll, his eyes furtively glancing at a raven-haired, precocious little girl who had started reading the storybooks on the small shelves. Another blue-haired boy was also glancing at the girl, then looking down at the toy robot in his hand, seemingly trying to decide if she would want to play with it. One green-haired lad looked like he had stayed up too long last night, too excited to sleep - he was in another corner, dozing off with a cardboard-tube 'sword.' A feisty little brunette was tugging on the tube with all her might, trying to get it out of the boy's grip without waking him - a sad-eyed, brown-haired boy looked on with amusement, a fearsome, plastic dinosaur stuffed under his arm.

A sweet, slightly sickly-looking blonde girl in a yellow sweater was playing nurse on a badly battered trio of dolls, though she would look up to stare at the only dark-skinned children in the room. Another gloomy little girl who had her pink hair in two pigtails sulked behind Miss Makino's back, dragging a well-used, overly-patched teddy bear behind her. Two taller boys - both very slender, but one a Latino with a puffy afro, while the other was an Asian who wore his hair in a long plait - paraded near the pile of toy drums and horns and other instruments, slowly edging closer to each other, their childish rhythms merging with only a few hitches. Finally, two stout, dark-haired boys - one very big and strapping for his age, the other wavering on the line between chubby and overweight - sat playing with two different floor puzzles at opposite ends of the room.

As the bell for the beginning of first period rang, Miss Makino sincerely hoped that her two new teaching assistants would finish their initial debriefing soon. Her impeccable 'first-day' hunches were telling her that she might need all the help she could get with this new class of twenty-two.

[~~~]

* * *


	22. Broken Dolls Make Friendship Stick

Makino Party knew she had a problem on her hands - she just wasn't sure exactly what it was.

For some reason, she knew it had started at lunch time. The school had two recess periods - an hour-long break for lunch between 11:00 and 12:00p.m. and another 30-minute break at 1:00p.m. At 11:15a.m., Makino had looked up from straightening up the classroom, only to see one of her new students under a tree, rolled into a tight ball. From the dark hair and purple, slightly tattered dress, she presumed that it was Robin Nico. Something was clenched tightly in her little fists, but Makino couldn't make out what it was from this distance.

The kindergarten teacher watched as Franky Cuttiflam jogged up to Robin and crouched near to her. The young, cyan-haired kid had left the table where he'd been eating lunch alone to walk past a boisterous game of tag with Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper, ignore an ear-shattering game of "Simon Says" led by Nami and both sets of twins, and then grabbed a recalcitrant Law Trafalgar from his spot near an ants' nest, forcing the slightly smaller and darker boy to come with him.

Curiosity was eating at Makino. She would need to find out what was going on.

[~~~]

"Franky? Law? Robin? What is more interesting than _Little Red Riding Hood_?"

Makino frowned slightly as both boys suddenly looked up and put something behind their backs. Robin slowly turned her head to look at the teacher - Makino had already formed a suspicion about the defensive bunching of the girl's shoulders - but it was Franky that did the talking.

"Miss Makino! Ah...uhm...welll..."

Or babbling, really. In the end, there had been some talk about why a wolf would want to eat a silly human girl when wolves were such super animals and why would a woodsman kill such a great beast - Makino had been a little surprised at the depth of the Cuttiflam's intelligence. The whole story was soon turned into a mini-lesson on woods and wolves and Mother Nature. By unanimous consensus, led strongly by Luffy, the group of five and six-year olds advocated the full pardon of the wolf for his meat-eating ways and Makino forgot about the distracted trio for a little while.

[~~~]

She was beginning to piece together the mystery by the time the second recess came around, when she found the empty glue bottle and strips of cloth from some of the doll clothes in the back of the classroom.

Claiming her evidence, Makino soon found herself back at the window, her eyes scanning the playground of the trio. No, over there were Apoo, Capone, Brook and Urouge making up a complicated game involved whistling and stomping on the hollow tunnel tube. Out yonder were Tashigi and Zoro mock-dueling with NERF swords. Ah, there they were and...yes! Now she could see it! In Law's and Franky's combination of sticky paws was one _Saul the Jaguar_ action figure, bandaged high and low in a mish-mash of gluey cloth. One of the action hero's hands was on backwards, but the doll was otherwise complete.

The dark-haired boy was giving the doll to Robin, who was gracing both him and Franky with a small, teary smile. Tentatively, she pulled the string, and lo! Makino could hear the doll's tinny laughter even from her spot in the window. Soon, Robin was laughing in delight and placing a warm, wet kiss on each of the two repairers' cheeks. Makino giggled as she watched her students come in at the bell's persistent ringing - she would never had guessed that Franky could blush so deeply!

[~~~]

The kindergarten children were waiting by the bus when the defining incident occurred.

Makino had been only vaguely aware that there was another Nico girl in the higher grades - she had not placed much thought into the likelihood of that Nico being related to Robin, however plausible it may have seemed. She preferred to treat each child as a clean slate, rather than ascribing them personalities and problems based on kinfolk. She was often given proof that her teaching beliefs were sound, for if the older Nico had been her student - well, Makino's punishments were pointedly effective.

"Hey, stupid! Who fixed your silly dolly?"

Makino gritted her teeth tightly and bolted from her classroom as the older cousin overpowered Nico and took the doll away - where were Franky and Law? It was obvious that they had been protecting her today from this very threat! There was a sharp cry of "No!" by the time Makino made it to the school's main doors - it was too late. The cousin had smashed the toy to the ground and started jumping on it with full malice, crowing with delight as each plastic joint popped out.

And then the cousin was flat on her face.

"Leave Robin 'lone!" Franky roared, stepping in front of the raven-haired girl while Law picked up all the pieces of the doll from the ground - something about his face made Makino sure that it was the younger boy who had pushed the cousin down. The older girl wasn't taking it lying down and neither were her three friends - they swaggered up with all the puffed confidence of nine year-olds. Makino hurried down the steps in a vain attempt to cross the school yard and stop the inevitable fight.

"Leave them alone."

Luffy, Kidd, Bonney, Sanji, Drake, Urouge, Apoo, Zoro, Tashigi, Capone, Rellik ( _she refused to believe the boy's name was Killer!_ ) - even Coby, Helmeppo, Usopp and Chopper! Almost every one of her students were placing themselves around Robin, Franky and Law, protecting them from the older kids. The other ones, like Brook, Kaya, Nami, and Perona were helping Law pick up the pieces and dusting off Robin's clothes. Luffy was the one talking for them all.

"Leave them alone."

"Or what, kiddo?" sneered one pimply-faced girl who had the look of an avid chocolate eater. "You kiddies are just shrimps!"

"And one of those shrimps is my li'l bro, so cool it, Pizza-Face Mary Sue!"

Makino watched as a dark-haired kid with a mass of freckles and not one spare ounce of fat shoved his way through the bus crowd to stand in front of all the kindergarten children.

"Hey, Ace, wait up dude! You can't just leave the Yugi-Oh game like that!"

Another boy, about the same age as Ace, with sandy-grey hair and a gravelly voice pulled up next to the scene. He took quick, assessing glances of the older Nico, the scowling youngsters, and the prepubescents already slinking away.

"At it again, Pizza-Face Mary? Or was it Nutty Nico?"

"I dare ya to say that again, Smokey-Dokey!" the older Nico barked out. Fists were raised and Makino had had enough.

"Break it up or there will be lines and a note to your parents for the lot of you!"

As she commanded the children back to their buses and sports teams and other after-school activities, she caught a glimpse of Luffy's cheeky smile as he and her other students boarded the bus - he was pushing Robin in ahead of him, her face streaked with tears but her laugh light, blending with the noises of the other children. She heard his calls for Franky and Law to come and sit in the back with him and read a comic his brother gave him last night. The bus pulled out of the lot and still she heard Luffy's loud, childish laughter.

First day and she'd found the future Head Boy of the school already. Makino shook her head and prayed that her assistants would finish their paperwork before tomorrow's classes.

* * *


	23. Always Hold Hands When Crossing Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Aoihand has issued a crossover challenge.
> 
> The Crossover Challenge!
> 
> Rules:
> 
> 1.) Minimum five entries/drabbles
> 
> 2.) Each 'crossover' must have a different focus. i.e. Try to be more creative than five scenes about a bromance between Luffy and Naruto.
> 
> 3.) TELL ME! XD
> 
> OH HELL YEAH, BABY, BRING IT~!
> 
> Hold hands when crossing these universes - it's _scary_ out there.

**Samurai Champloo: Eyes Wide Open, Heads Cracked Shut.**

Mugen sneered in Sanji's face as his iron-shod geta were caught on the handle of a massive, still-sheathed, knife-like blade, his own sword fended off by strange, steel-lined foot coverings. The Ryukyu native could sense that Jin had just come to a stalemate against the green-haired freak wielding three katana.

The big-titted broad the two oddballs were guarding was looking mighty pissed though. Pity - she looked better than a meat bun with all her goodies hanging out of her scraps of cloth-

" **Keep your shitty, pervert eyes off of Nami-swan~!** " the yellow-haired weirdo bawled before his foot _fucking caught on fire_!

"Holy shit, you fuckers are weirder than _all_ hell!" Mugen crowed delightedly as he twisted out of the way, dodging powerful kicks that threatened to do a whole lot more than singe his hair. And Jin! A quick glance nearly became a fatal error as the foul-mouthed swordsman was struck dead in awe. The green-haired, muscle-bound stranger had three heads ( _probably something to do with Jin's snide comment about over-compensating for no talent_ )! _A mother-fucking_ _Asura!_

As Mugen was forced to scramble from a distinctly fiery attack and counter with a mid-air flip and strike to the belly, he faintly noted the tension in his groin, a tension that got worse as he observed the feral grin on his opponent's face, both men lacing the air with obscenities so filthy, most people couldn't even begin to concoct them. Jin and the Asura were spouting all sorts of fruity poetry as their eyes grew brighter and they deigned to laugh - shit, they both sounded fucking bat-shit _insane_. He hadn't been this excited or had this much fun since he last stole Fuu's money and went to the pleasure district!

Speaking of which, where _was_ Fu-

 _*CRACK* *WHOMP* *BANG* *POW*_

Mugen and Jin slumped to the ground in a dazed state, back to back, as Zoro and Sanji fell back. Nami grabbed both men by their ears, while Fuu had to settle for dragging her bodyguards by the sleeves of their slightly ratty clothing.

After the two ladies in question dropped the large rocks they had used on the men's heads, of course.

"Do yours fuck as loudly as these two?" Nami growled miserably, threatening her _nakama_ with Fists of Love (TM) if they didn't _shut up_ and fall into line _right now._

Fuu rolled her eyes and avoided her companions as she rattled off tales about how many nights of sleep she'd lost so far.

[~]

A village and seventy-eight purses later, Sanji and Mugen had run off to the pleasure district after the cook unsheathed his ( _"Fucking wicked!" to quote Mugen_ ) knife and prepared a boar that the Asura had caught for training. The katana-wielders were meditating by the river and Nami and Fuu were discussing mothers and finances and the best way to enjoy being the middle of a bun. They found out that they were both headed for the sea, Fuu changed Nami's clothing and Sanji and Mugen managed to get laid without bringing out the local lawmen. The blond also returned with some clothing of dubious origin, but hey, they were pirates after all. Zoro and Jin polished their swords together ( _no, really, just their swords_ ) and discussed dojos and fighting styles.

The journey to the sea became a little easier. Jin learned how to talk around a sword hilt, much to Mugen's eternal delight, and Sanji came away just a little less clingy to women, which pleased Zoro to no end.

Unfortunately, Fuu learned Nami's Fists of Love (TM).

 _*CRACK* *WHOMP* *BANG* *POW*_

[~~~]

 **Yankee-kun to Megane-chan: They Match So Good!**

"Say that shit to my face, **ha~!** "

Zoromichi and the blond punk named Shinagawa faced off with matching snarls and looks of disdain, their eyebrows furrowed deeply and veins popping into relief at the temples. Zoromichi had one of his three _bokken_ over his shoulder already, while Shinagawa was stashing his latest edition of _Boobalicious Bounty Hunter Momoko_.

"Your hair is fuckin' retarded in all green is what I said!"

Izumi and the blond smoker Sansuke were grinding their teeth together, _literally_ growling at each other as they stood toe-to-toe while slouching and stuffing their hands in their pockets ever so coolly.

"Pussy ass, what's with the botched up fringe? Your mommy have trouble cutting it straight with your ugly mug?" Sansuke snarked as he took a drag off his cancer stick.

"Your left side must be uglier than the bottom of my shoe with how _you're_ hiding it, fucking wanker," Izumi retorted as he readjusted his glasses.

Chiba and Chopahiko stood behind their fellow council members, futilely advising caution and restraint.

Luffyshirou and Adachi stood together, observing the interactions of their councils very carefully. After a few minutes, they looked at each other and nodded firmly.

"Yosh! Adachi-san, it'll be great working with you in the future!" Luffyshirou chortled as he bowed three times as fast as he possibly could.

"I agree! I didn't think our members would be so compa...compa...would match so good!" Adachi replied, also bowing three times quickly. The violent screeching of brakes was heard in the background as the two councils looked at their respective leaders in shock. Sweat dripped noisily in the silence before the teens could start shouting again.

" **What?** "

[~~~]

 **World of Warcraft: The Lady is a Lie!**

Luffy jumped around the party endlessly, his lithe yet muscular frame a blur of red as his armor glinted crimson in the rising sun.

"C'mon Nami," the unarmed troll warrior whined as he bounced in circles. "When can we be startin' da rai-"

Nami, a troll mage with fiery orange hair, summoned a small, localized blizzard to amuse the guild's resident idiot and leader.

"As I was sayin'," she growled, her purple _Perfect Climatact_ staff tapping the ground in frustration. "Dis is how it will go. Luffy goin' ta tank-"

"Woohoo! Lemme beat it u-! Ow, Nami~!"

The ice mage ignored him and the lump she'd left in his head as she continued.

"Zoro, you be de off-tank fer us squishies."

The orc warrior grunted noncommittally as he equipped a sword in his tusked mouth. Most people thought it looked patently ridiculous while wondering how he managed to speak around a hilt. Nonetheless, the Grand Line Guild accepted him with little trouble, amply allowing for his peculiar, signature style to flourish. The orc glared at the troll female.

"You'll lessen my debt _as promised_ , right?"

"30% when we done, man," Nami confirmed with a deceptively pleasant smile. The solid ball of ice that shattered on the green-skin's head appeared out of nowhere as the mage turned to the party's lone hunter.

"Usopp, you be dps'in' 'n' trappin' de summons, o' course."

The troll hunter with the dreadlocks nodded as he brushed the hair down on his giant spider and barked at the blond blood elf paladin - who was screeching like a baby as he cooked over a campfire on the other side of the clearing.

"Whatchoo tink ya looking at, elfie?" Usopp snapped at the fuming, magic-crazed elf while tidying up Luffy's fishing tackle and his leather-working tools. "Is ma pet dat catch dem piggies ya be cookin' up!"

"Your pet is an overgrown, web-spinning menace that I am going to squash at my earliest convenience!" the paladin snapped as he limbered up his mallet-wielding arm. The large, square-headed weapon was currently bludgeoning a wailing boar in a most disturbing manner.

"Oh, man, stop dat, Sanji!" Nami snapped, causing the paladin to break out in dance for some absurd reason. "You be off-tankin' as well, but Ah want ya in healin' mode fer de mos' part. 'N' fer de love o' Thrall, please, please, _please_ remember ta bubble-hearth 'n' stop sacrificin' yer stupid self. Remember, you can resurrect too!"

"Yes, Miss Nami! I hear and obey-!"

"Yes, yes, yes, dat be lovely. Chopper! You _sure_ you can handle bein' main heal?"

The weaponless Tauren druid snorted nervously and carefully distributed bundles of bandages to everyone before shifting shape into that of the Tree of Life.

"I'll do my best, Nami!"

The troll woman simultaneously shivered, jumped, and squealed as Robin's cold, undead flesh touched her arm.

' _At least de hand remain connected ta her wrist dis time,'_ Nami mused to herself before shuddering at the thought of animated, dismembered body parts crawling about the scribe's inscriptions in her creepy workshop back at the guild hall.

"Besides," the undead warlock stated, darkly amused by the mage's reactions, "Franky can help him and Sanji out in a pinch."

The elemental Tauren shaman, who never wore leggings or kilts or _anything_ that could preserve his modesty ( _and their sanity_ ) down below, gave his fellow minotaur a big thumbs-up, his engineer's hammer still in one meaty hand.

"Can do, girlie. We'll stay sharp!"

Nami sighed and rubbed her forehead, willing away the ache of dealing with pervert cow-men before turning to the final party member.

"Brook, just tell me dat you be ready ta go?"

The enchanter allowed an old set of leather armor to disintegrate into its magical components, which he quickly dusted into a small pouch.

"Ohoho, ready and able!" the undead warrior cried as he unsheathed his sword. "I can feel the excitement rushing through my veins - ah! I don't have any! Forsaken Joke!"

Robin gave her fellow Forsaken a polite clap as Franky groaned loudly. Nami growled and bopped the nigh-skeleton on the head with her staff.

"Be serious, man!" the mage and guild co-leader howled while stomping her ( _comparably_ ) tiny foot. "Dis be a ten-man raid dat we be tryin' ta do when we is one man short! We _got_ ta be on our toes, especially widdout a rogue ta scout fer us-!"

"Ooooo, is someone looking for an undercover kinda brother?"

Everyone whipped around defensively except for Luffy, who squealed and bounded on the speaker - a female blood elf dressed in leather from head to toe, who had just materialized from the surrounding forest.

"Bon-chan!"

"Straw-chan!"

Everyone stood to one side as the rogue and the warrior hugged and danced in the middle of the clearing.

Everyone also wondered why it sounded like a man's voice was coming out of a woman's body.

[~~~]

 **Inuyasha: Dog Eat Dog World**

Lucci faced the pale, ethereal, dog-reeking being impassively, clearly unimpressed by his one human follower and the toad with the fire-spewing staff.

Sesshomaru coolly eyed the cat-stinking human and his rag-tag band of adherents.

Hattori greeted Sesshoumaru.

Jaken huffed and puffed in reply.

Lucci idly polished one of his claws on the sleeve of his suit.

Sesshoumaru fluffed his tail.

Lucci bared his fangs in a yawn.

Sesshoumaru did the same.

By this time, talks had deteriorated rapidly between Hattori and Jaken, until the pigeon was furiously trying to peck out the toad's eye while dodging bursts of flame.

The rest of CP9 stepped back to the tree line as Lucci activated his Leopard-man form. The dark-haired assassin's grin was brightly murderous.

Sesshoumaru placed Rin around his neck and Jaken ran screaming into the night as the youkai changed into his full, beastly shape.

Fukurou tried very hard not to snigger as the large, white dog tried to eat Lucci. Blueno elbowed him. Kaku and Kalifa eventually encouraged Kumadori and Jyabura to ask the weird dog-boy wearing a red _hakama_ if he liked wolves.

[~~~]

 **xxx-Holic: Be Careful What You Wish For.**

It was obviously hitsuzen that such a person entered his dreams - a cook beyond belief, who hid one of his eyes and had only vague memories of his parents. A man who believed in gods, but not enough to care about disturbing them, or let them stop him from doing as he pleased. The same gods obviously found him to be as much as a plaything as the dreamer himself. Often, the man would be plagued by owing another, larger, darker, more brooding man a favor.

He wondered, idly, if the loutish archer ever had these types of dreams, featuring such a stoic figure.

The two men fought like cats and dogs, whether they were bored or lonely or saving each other from the loss of their immortal souls. The two men obviously held a deep regard for each other, but then the man he had first viewed was kicking the ever-loving stuffing out of the other man, who countered with three swords. Something to do with the way the man had refused to fawn over a woman.

Watanuki favored the passionate blond in this debate.

[~]

Doumeki sat on the porch, drinking his beer while he listened to Watanuki playing the _samisen_.

"Oi."

"Stop that, you moron - you know damn well it's 'Watanuki.' What do you want?"

Doumeki sucked down more than half his beer in one go. Watanuki set the _samisen_ aside, vaguely recalling an argument about alcohol over-consumption and bottomless pits in another place - one with bright skies and rolling waves.

"Have you ever dreamed of being a pirate? Just sailing away and actually living out your wishes instead...instead of granting them?"

Watanuki smiled as he exhaled a graceful cloud of scented tobacco smoke.

"Aa...sometimes..."

The two men sat in companionably silence for a while, thinking on wishes and dreams and blue, blue seas.

"Oh, and make me inari-zushi."

"You ungrateful black hole!"

[~]

Watanuki woke up with a groan. He should have known much better than to try to keep up with Doumeki in a drinking contest...

"Oh my- **Two** of them! **Two** shitty ass marimos! _**Argh**_! I **cannot** be sober yet!"

Blinking, Watanuki took his hand from over his eyes. After he let the rampant sunshine scorch the blackness from his lids, he cracked his tired lids open as faintly as he possibly could.

Doumeki stood over, but for some reason, his dark brown hair was now a shocking shade of green and his eyes were a deep, rich black. He was still frowning, but his skin was now a crisp golden color, as if he'd been out tanning again.

But nothing beat the hair.

"Doumeki..." Watanuki began, about to burst out in gales of evil _glee_ at the hilarious color of the archer's locks. His long fingers rose to his mouth in a vain attempt to stifle the mad bubbling mirth spilling from his teeth despite the steel-toed shoe nudging him painfully in the rib.

"Oi. You up?"

And then he was presented with another head - not green-clad, but sprouting the dark-brown covering that he was used to. The scowl was the same, as was the impassive gaze - except the eyes were _amber_ this time.

Watanuki looked from one to the other.

He closed his eyes.

Two steel-toes nudged him, causing his eyelids to fly open.

The faces were still there.

" **Why the hell are there two Doumekis?** " Watanuki screeched in horror as realization dawned on his face. Both faces smirked as the seer broke into a spastic fit of rage, disgust, horror, and panic.

"Ho. So yours does that too?" Zoro asked the archer, who simply nodded and took up one of the proffered beer steins, a wry smile on his face.

[~~~]


	24. 300 Yards From The Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been participating in the onepiece_300 prompts on LJ for a few months now, so I thought I should share them here. Enjoy!

_  
**Prompt: Mental Illness  
Title: Insidiously Dependent**   
_

It started off innocently. It always does.

" _I'm ok - I just need to be alone for a while,"_

He was young, so some thought it was puberty.

He'd been alone for a long time, so some thought he'd forgotten.

[~]

" _Don't you ever go through my stuff again! There are things in here - special works - you might break them!"_

He was an artist, so they kept their hands off.

[~]

" _Where is it? I need it! Fuck - here it is! Now I'm gonna kick your ass."_

He was always insecure, so why not give him portable courage?

[~]

" _Who are you?"_

By the time he asks that question, it's almost too late.

" _No, better yet...who am I?"_

The user and the drug are already one and the same.

[~]

" _That one is no more. There is only...me, now."_

Luffy shakes his head and cracks his knuckles ominously.

"You may be our friend, Sogeking, but you're not _nakama_! Give Usopp back to us!"

" _If you destroy a mask, who truly breaks?"_

"You don't need cowards, Luffy-kun, you need real brave warriors of the sea! Like me!"

' _The person behind the mask, or the one facing it?'_

"Can't you see? That's **my** name on the bounty poster, not his!"

' _If you destroy a crutch, who truly falls?"_

"He hasn't had any right here since Enies Lobby! It's all been my work - me, Sogeking!"

' _The one leaning, or the one supporting?'_

[~]

He wanders without his prop - aimless, uncomprehending.

Vulnerable. Did you really do the right thing?

' _Will you even like the truth?'_

He is forceably surrounded by _nakama_ and stuffed full of his own memories.

' _Can you stop it from happening again?'_

Mirrors reflect glasses squarely on his nose.

"Hello, Mr. Prince."

* * *

 _  
**Prompt: Dreams  
Title: Pass It On**   
_

"Are...are you sure? I mean, isn't there _anyone_ else you want to-"

He shook his head - it was kind of hard to watch, given his limited range of motion.

"Take'em. They already helped me accomplish everything I wanted to do. Let them help you. They _want_ to help you."

"Next up for execution - Roronoa Zoro!"

He smiled at her and kicked them towards her feet. She stood there, not touching them until she heard the blood-thirsty roar of the crowd die down.

[~]

She left the marines after twenty years of service, her goal almost complete. She had saved many swords and found good homes for all but three of them. That was her last duty to them.

 _To him._

A smile creased her face as she listened to the three of them arguing while she buckled them to her left hip.

[~]

 _Shuusui_ left first, which wasn't surprising - that one had always been fiercely independent. The blade dropped off her hip and was picked up by a cheeky, red-haired street kid somewhere in West Blue.

[~]

 _Kitetsu_ went next. It was up in North Blue, during a blizzard. She'd dug up some dark-haired, sallow boy from a snow drift and the blade just froze on the ground next to him.

She gave up on taking it when it bit her fingers. Hard.

[~]

 _Wadou_ was really particular - it took her another thirty years to find that sword's owner. Eventually, in the boondocks of East Blue, a scrawny klutz of a girl with grassy hair used it to defeat her grandmother's murderer.

[~]

"Done?" he asked sleepily when she opened her eyes to his mossy locks.

"Yep," she sighed, resting back on the clouds as she listened to the humming of happy swords.

* * *

 _  
**Prompt: Smooth  
Title: Handover**   
_

It flowed all around him, coating every nook and cranny every as he traveled along at high speed. It parted in front of him and oozed thickly over his curves, threatening him, teasing him with oblivion and dark, fathomless abysses, even as it buoyed up his considerable weight.

He challenged it blatantly, with his sleek shape sanded and softened by the hand of a man, a builder, a machine, and its constant, silky stroking of his sides.

He spurned its caresses and avoided its wrath under the control of a woman, a navigator, a witch, and its own small warnings.

He spat in its eye when it tried to wound or disfigure him, beautified by the art of a man, a gunner, an anti-hero and its own decorative touches.

His raw strength cut through it tirelessly, bolstered by a man, a warrior, a demon and its currents of favor.

He never battled against it without a surfeit of energy, filled by a man, a cook, a devil and its wind behind him.

He never succumbed to the many injuries he sustained, healed by a man, a doctor, a monster and its healing salts.

He knew its secrets and learned its ways, knowledge dispensed by a woman, a historian, a cursed existence and its own murmured hints.

He made his own music, drowning out its wailing and pounding with the aid of a man, a musician, a skeleton and its constant, booming rhythm.

He carried on fearlessly in the face of all that it could muster - not for his sake, but for theirs, enthralled by a man, a captain, the King-to-be and its own hidden will.

The _Thousand Sunny_ smoothly took over from his predecessor, determined to carry the baton.

* * *

 _  
**Prompt: Listen  
Title: Courage In The Air**   
_

Usopp clung precariously to a tree as the island folded up once more, his eyes squeezed tight as he valiantly tried to ignore the sounds of mastication so clearly audible below him and the feel of his fat, sweaty hands slipping.

 _'This is it; it's the end! Goodbye, Usopp, so long, Sogeking, not even a chorus of angels-!'_ the still-chubby sniper thought to himself as he scrabbled to keep the branch in his grip, not even trying to reach for Hercules-sensei, who clung to a vine higher up.

And then, he heard the sound of raucous laughter as a gust of wind threatened to send him careening into the maw below.

 _"Shishishishishi~! Aw, man, is that really the best you can do?"_

Usopp blinked his tired eyes and began to spin his head frantically from side to side.

"L-Luffy? Is that you?"

Nothing. Was he hallucinating off of the fumes coming from the island's stomach?

 _"Shishishishishi~! Wow, you're really going to let an island eat you? So useless!"_

 **"Who the hell said I was going to let some stupid island eat me, hah~?"**

Usopp strained to engage the pitiful _(but really much more useful than ever before)_ muscles that laid hidden under his stout exterior. Laboriously, he began the monotonous task of _stretching, reaching, grasping, pulling, hauling, stabilizing_ himself as he climbed up the tree, then dragged himself over a thick vine swinging next to his warrior trainer-master.

"Excellent, Usopp-un!" Hercules yelled approvingly over the receding sounds of digestion. "You've managed to gain-un quite some distance this time-un! No longer paralyzed by fear, are you-un?"

Usopp panted next to the heavily armored man, then raised his head to the passing breeze.

 _"Shishishishishi~! That's **my** gunner!"_

"Only one...thing...scares me...any more."

* * *

 _  
**Prompt: Partners in Crime  
Title: Hospital, Cemetery, or Jail**   
_

Tashigi woke up to a blurry smudge of sunshine. Nothing new. The blinding headache that accompanied it was fairly novel though.

"Oh God, I'm dying..." the young ensign croaked as she banged her right hand down on the nearby nightstand, fumbling around for her glasses. A rough chuckle graced her ears just before calloused, thick hands pulled the glasses down from her forehead.

"Not yet, Ensign. That'd be option 2."

Glasses secured, Tashigi peeped through slitted eyes at her Lieutenant. Before she could politely ask where the hell they actually were, Smoker held up one finger with a smirk.

Ah. Hospital. _Again_. Smoker chuckled once more as he handed her a small glass of water. She pretended to ignore the wince he gave as his bandages stretched across one shoulder and around his barrel-like rib-cage.

"So how exactly did we get here this time?" she asked, a hint of bitterness in her tone. She really disliked not knowing how she ended up in these situations. Smoker snorted as he blatantly ignored marine hospital protocol and lit up his trademark cigars.

"Seems we entered this bar where that Mr. Prince and Roronoa were trying to enjoy some shore leave..."

Tashigi felt a little smile tugging her dry lips. At least her Lieutenant would always be able to fill in the blanks

* * *

 _  
**Prompt: Spectators  
Title: This Cannot End Well**   
_

Marco was pretty sure this was a dream. Maybe a nightmare. Probably caused by that bad bit of potato he ate a few nights ago.

He surely wasn't going to let Thatch cook anymore. Especially not after seeing his latest outfit.

"Ace," the typically-immutable first commander of Whitebeard's forces began as he closed his burning blue eyes. "Why - in the name of all that is holy and good and _righteous_ \- is Thatch in a French maid get-up?"

Ace couldn't respond. He and Teach were far too busy hurling over _Moby Dick's_ side. Considering the quantities those two tended to inhale in a day, they'd be there for quite some time yet.

"Vista was telling me that I am far too manly and unsubtle to ever fool anyone while in drag. I'm going to prove otherwise - with none other than the old man himself!" Thatch proclaimed with authority, spreading his _(unshaven)_ fishnet-covered legs wide as he _(and his five o'clock shadow)_ stood proudly in the face of the sea breeze. He was absolutely oblivious to the fact that the wind was causing his microscopic skirt to flutter dangerously high up his _(whipcord hard)_ thighs.

Joze hiccuped ominously before shoving his way in between Ace and Teach.

Marco knew better than to warn Thatch off of a self-appointed mission. Fights with the man always ended up with an addendum collateral damage form. There was only one thing to do.

"You plan to fool a man who sleeps with no less than six hot-ass nurses _every night_ that you are female? Be my guest," the phoenix sighed as he stepped aside from the old man's doorway. "Excuse me while I take up a ringside seat for your ass-kicking."

* * *


End file.
